Aubs Unresolved

Holiday Blues

2011-11-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

The last few days I have realized that I have a serious case of the holiday blues. I am really not looking forward to them and quite honestly I would not be sad if they passed me by

I don't say this to be negative, get sympathy, or bring anyone down. My purpose in putting this down on "paper" is to get it out there, then hopefully, let it go and have a happy holiday season.

The truth is, I judge myself for being single. I feel like less of a person. And every time I come close to not being single I get so excited because this means I will finally somehow be....better? I recognize this is erroneous thinking. I have gone to counseling for this thinking. I have affirmed myself to death with statements that counteract this. I know this logically does not make any sense. A persons worth is not to be judge on their status as a significant other. But I do, I judge my self worth on whether or not I have a boyfriend, and I just can't face the idea of another holiday season without one. I can't face the idea of another year without children of my own to shop for and start traditions with. I can't face another year of spending the holidays with my parents while the other attached kids are off at their in laws. I can't face another year of being by myself at the end of the night while the married ones snuggle up to eachother and remember how greatful they are to have found such a love. I can't face another year of being a half of an incomplete whole! So many times I have been told that marraige isn't all it is cracked up to be, that it is the hardest thing they have ever done and that I need to learn to be happy wherever I am in life. They are right, but they have never been in my shoes and it is easy to say things when you haven't been in the other person's circumstances.

Yes, I just threw a temper tantrum. But it had a purpose. Tomorrow I will return back to my normal, confident, happy self. I will put on a smiley face and remember all of the things I am greatful for. I have been so incredibly blessed in my life. I have the most amazing friends in the world. Everywhere I turn I see blessing after blessing in affirmation that I am loved. I am so incredibly greatful for my blessings on a daily basis.

I am not the only one who has had it rough. In the last year a close friend of mine has had his kids taken from him after losing a bitter custody battle. Other friends of mine are unable to have kids and have to live with the heartache of knowing they will never be able to produce a child. Another friend of mine just had a second marraige end because his spouse was unfaithful. There is heartache every day in the world. Today I am living with it. Tomorrow I will be greatful.

Biz and Len!

2011-10-16T13:15:00.001-07:00

After 1 year of dating and 2 whole months of being engaged, my baby sister Liz married her sweet boyfriend Ben. Sadly I didn't get many pictures of her, but I got lots of my other siblings.

Here they are being sung to. She looks so content and comfortable.

They were married in her friend Nikki's back yard. There was a big cement wall lining the yard. Liz bought sidewalk chalk and her friends created this:

I got to see my brothers. I haven't seen my bro Scott in almost 2 years. He is looking good! Except for the fact that we couldn't get a picture where he wasn't closing his eyes. I was totally diggin Paul's bowtie too.

Liz hired Scott to be the dj. He rocked the house, and I even noticed some girl jocking on him big time.

Such a sweet pic of Amy and Scott. Pay no attention to the man behind them.

Green man was totally there! Had to get a pic. When Liz planned this wedding she told everyone to wear whatever they are comfortable in. Apparently this green man suit is very comfortable.

They were married under a plum tree by a pastor who was ordained in the church of the dude.

What a wedding! It is so great to see my sister so happy! Welcome to the family Ben!

Location:Manchester Dr,North Salt Lake,United States

2011-09-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

They'll probably never say that I was the happiest most cheerful person they knew, but hopefully they'll see that I never gave up.

:/

2011-09-09T08:51:00.000-07:00

:/

This is my frustrated face. Over the last month and a half I have been trying unsuccesfully to lose weight. I have all the tools, I have the knowledge. I have the time. But I haven't lost the weight. 2 years ago I lost 15 lbs on Weight Watchers. I gained it all back and I don't fit in to my pants anymore. :/!! I set a goal with 2 co-workers and we scheduled meetings to weigh in once a week. We brought a scale to work. We downloaded apps on our phones to help us track. We sent motiviational emails! This lasted for about a week. :/

Last Saturday I planned my meals and snacks for the week. This week it was going to be easy to eat right! That lasted for 2 days. Then yesterday, since I was so proud of myself for doing so well for 2 days (I ate fish!) that I rewarded myself with my favorite pasta dish from the cafe at work. It is a tortelini toss and it is delicious! But they give you at least 3 servings worth of torelini. Of course I ate it all. Then I went home and had 2 HUGE bowls of cap'n crunch because I was craving sugar. Why did I have cap'n cruch even in my house, you ask? Well...it was on sale for $1.99! For a poor girl a $5 box of cereal vs. a $2 box of cereal is a BIG DEAL.

The above is only one minor example of how I have cheated myself out of losing weight. I have noticed the pattern. I seem to do well for a few days, I get all proud of myself so I let myself slip. I understand cheating every so often is not bad. The problem is I am doing this 3 times a week or more, and the cheat meal is becoming the habit rather than the special occasion. :/

We all know we do our best dieting when we are being held accountable for what we are eating. I know I really do well when I know I can brag about my progress. So if there is anyone out there in blog land who is interested in being my weight loss buddy I am happy to set goals together, share recipes, vent frustrations and celebrate successes.

I know I can do this. I am frustrated, but not to the point of giving up. On the bright side I have improved my eating greatly in the last month. I have eaten more fruits and vegetables, I have found myself a kick-ass salad recipe that I love to make and I freaking ate FISH. I have saved $ on food since I have avoided dining out and I have maintained my weight rather than gained.

This is my hopeful face. :)

fMh!

2011-08-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

Ok so I have totally gotten sucked in to Feminine Mormon Housewives . I knew it existed and I had read it before. But for some reason right now I am really loving what these people have to say. I am not a housewife, not really feminist* and I'm barely Mormon right now** but galdarnit if Sacrament meeting and Sunday was filled with information like this*** I would want to go more often!

* I believe in equality, yet I really love the idea of traditional gender roles in a marraige setting (ie; feminity and masculinity. Stay at home moms and dads who provide.)

**I am what some may consider a cafeteria/agnostic/hopeful Mormon. Some doctrines I think are just plain wrong. We have mixed some doctrine with tradition and confused the 2 to a point where I don't feel like many of us truly understand how our Father in Heaven operates. But there are parts of it that I really hope are true.

***I am speaking to the scripturally based blog entries and not the opinion based entries. Although I would still like to see their opinions brought up more in Sunday School or Relief Society discussions simply to counterbalance the opinions of those who are more hardlined and traditional.

Day 8: A Bad Habit

2011-08-02T17:48:00.001-07:00

The other day I was giving this guy a good backscratching. Or so I thought. Halfway through he says "your nails are soft" and embarrassingly I show him that they are not soft, I have just chewed them down past the nub and actually I was "scratching" him with my finger nubs. Oh I am so ashamed! My mom always got after me as a kid for biting my nails. Maybe this is just another one of my forms of rebellion? Either way it is a habit I just can't seem to break!

The Difference Between Then and Now

2011-07-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

I still have rough days. I still have days where I have low self esteem and compare myself to others in a negative way. I still have days when I feel like I am fat. I still have days where I fall into depression and cry for no reason. But now I pull out of them so much faster. They don't consume me the way they used to. I have so many happier moments. My life feels balanced.

Reflection on Religion

2011-07-20T08:33:00.000-07:00

I recognize that when I write about religion that it can turn in to a controversial subject. I tend to lay it all out on the line in my blogs yet at the same time I try really hard not to play the blame game. I hope I dont offend anyone.

Today I am yearning for positivity and light. What once was occasionally a very positive and uplifting experience for me has become a very negative and backbreaking experience for me. What is supposed to be a church about glorifying and following our saviour has become a church of who can out-Mormon the rest of the ward. For a long time I tried just as hard as anybody to be a better Mormon and by many standards, I failed miserably. I chose to break the cycle of self/clergy abuse and get out. I chose to love me for me, I chose to accept myself - warts and all. And these were big nasty, ugly warts. Warts that will keep me out of the Celestial Kingdom (the horror!).

So now I face a dilemma. Now that I have learned to love myself, I am finding myself with a desire to attend church. I have always been quite spiritual and I thirst for spiritual experiences. I love the gospel! I love the idea of a Father in Heaven that loves us and an older Brother who gave his life to save us. I love learning to be more Christlike and the idea of always striving to be better, kinder, and more loving. But I don't want to head straight on into full attendance. No, I want it my way. I want to be the dreaded "cafeteria Mormon/Jack Mormon". I know this is a HUGE no-no in my church, but I can't fathom why we wouldn't want people to attend no matter what? The point is, I want to be able to go to church and be uplifted. I want to learn more about Jesus and what it means to truly know him. I want to praise the Lord and my Savior and not feel guilty for my vices. I want to believe in some principles and be able to dismiss the ones that just don't make sense to me. I want to be part of a church that instead of calling members to repentance says "thank you for being here!" NO MATTER WHAT. I want to be a part of a church where the members don't expect me to live the gospel EXACTLY the same way they do. I do not expect to be able to take the sacrament or enter the temple, but I do expect to not be chastized or even looked down upon with worry or pity for not wanting to fully partake.

All that being said, I recognize that I am just as guilty of judging the other members behavior as I feel they have judged me. The members are far from perfect and perhaps I am holding them to too high of a standard, we ALL have faults. On an individual level I have a deep respect for all who live their religion the best they know how. On a collective level, I feel like the church is failing. It is creating a chasm of exclusivity and in my very humble opinion that is not the way the Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ I have come to know would want it.

I attended last week to support my Brother in law who was giving a talk. It had been six months since I had attended a meeting previously. It will probably be six months before I scrape up the desire to attend again. I am just not ready to take the brow beating on a weekly basis yet. Until then I will continue my meditation and prayer and hope that when the time is right, the Lord will help me know the right spiritual path for me to take.

Day 7: Fruit

2011-07-10T20:41:00.001-07:00

Ok so it's not JUST fruit. But I love this picture so much I had to blog it. This was taken our first morning in Hawaii. We ate at the hotel restaurant where they had pretty decent breakfast buffet. The juice was guava/orange and the papaya, which I generally don't like, was amazing. I love the waterfall in the backdrop too. I wish every breakfast looked like this!

I'm not being lazy

2011-06-25T01:05:00.001-07:00

I haven't gotten lazy about my 30 photo project. Day 7 is titled fruit. On Monday I leave for Hawaii and I think i can get some really interesting shots of fruit there.

In addition to my Hawaii vacation I have had so many fun things going on. My philosophy of life lately has just been to create close friendships, be kind and show love to those I already have friendships with, enjoy life no matter what I am doing, and stop worrying. I would say that in the last couple weeks my life has been a success!

Day 6: From a Low Angle

2011-06-16T16:51:00.001-07:00

This is my shelf at work.

When I left the Bay Area I was working in San Francisco. My co-workers all bought me SF souvenirs and trinkets along with a bag of my favorite Specialties cookies for my going away present. The cookies are long gone, of course, but whenever I move offices i pack this stuff up with me and display it. I love taking a little shelf of San Francisco with me everywhere I go.

Tomorrow I start my move from Mesa to Chandler. For the first time in my life ever I will be living by myself. I know there will be some difficult parts about it, but personally I think it will be awesome! I have had some worries about getting lonely, but I get lonely now even though I have roommates so I feel like that is a separate issue. Now I just need help with decoration and designing on a dime. :)

Day 5: From a High Angle

2011-06-12T21:19:00.001-07:00

Taking photos of my niece and nephews is a favorite pastime of mine. I can't seem to get enough of them! Kayla loves to smile at the camera and say "cheese!". It is possible that I will be one of THOSE mothers who constantly blogs about how wonderful and amazing her children are. I don't care, it's better than not showing them enough love.

You would think that Kayla is too girlie for her brothers and wouldn't like to rough house. Not so. In fact she may be tougher than them. My favorite descriptor for her is "tenacious".

Isaak is a little smarty pants who loves to follow order and rules, but he has a silly side. His silly side thinks that sucking sideways on a zippy cup and taking a picture of it is hilarious. I tend to agree.

These kids are great. I feel so blessed to know them. I hope I get to be a mom some day!

Day 4: Something Green

2011-06-09T12:26:00.001-07:00

Someone asked me yesterday id this was a super tiny watermelon.

It is actually a super fat zucchini. My boss has a garden and loves to bring in veggies to share. Tonight I'll bring this baby home, chop it up, and sauté it with some garlic and olive oil. Much tastier than a watermelon IMHO.

Day 3: Clouds

2011-06-08T16:46:00.001-07:00

Clouds huh? Maybe the creator of this list doesn't know that we don't actually have clouds in the summertime here in Arizona. So I took a picture of the sky and came up with this.

Not cloud in sight all day. Oh well! I tried.

Something I've been thinking on today. You can find positivity in life if you look for it. I also believe that the more you focus on it, the more good things will happen to you. A week or so ago I made a conscious decision to start focusing on all the things I have because I seemed to be mired in thoughts about all I was missing out on in life. Since then, it seems like not only have I gained an appreciation for what I do already have, but some really great things have come my way in the last week as well.

Focusing on abundance begets the occurrence of more abundance. Amen!

Day 2: What you wore today

2011-06-06T17:25:00.001-07:00

This dress is one of my favorites. It is wrinkle free, super comfortable and I got it cheap! I also have one in red

I love/hate those shoes. I get complimented every time I wear them but the are really uncomfortable!

This little photoblog idea is fun!

Day 1 Self Portrait

2011-06-05T21:38:00.000-07:00

My friend Heidi posted this on her amazing blog To Be Luminous and I thought it was such a fun idea. Her goal was to improve her photography. I think my goal is just do create a photolog of my next 30 days. I will be using the camera on my phone so I don't expect these to be particularly fantastic shots. I just wanted to try it out and see what happens.

The first one is a self portrait. I considered taking a shower, putting on some makeup, doing my hair, choosing a hot outfit and placing myself amongts a beautiful backdrop. However, instead I opted for the far less glamorous photo. This is me. Right now.

2011-05-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

Falling back in to the habit of feeling sorry for myself and concentrating on what I don't have. Time to be grateful for what I do have. I have a lot and it's all pretty awesome.

Bikram Yoga

2011-05-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

Last November Groupon had a special for the Bikram Yoga Studio in Tempe. I got 60 days of unlimited classes for $40. Normally this would be around $300. Yippee! I have been trying to coordinate with my friend Joanne for the last 5 months a time when we could both go together. Our schedules just haven't been meshing! So, since I am going to be starting school up again in July I decided it was now or never to give it a try.

Now I am no yoga expert, but I have done it enough times to not be scared off or freaked out by the poses. I wasn't at all worried about the heat as I like to sweat when I work out. After my first class I have to say it was HARD. I hated it. Every second I wanted to get out of there. 90 minutes was way too long and I kept wishing it would be over.

Also, I LOVED it. I was able to stretch my body further then I had before and felt like I got an amazing work out. I have been sucking down water all day and my skin feels super smooth. I feel like my posture is a little bit better and I am just a little bit of the good kind of sore. I definitely plan on going back tonight. I loved how each move helped you prepare to to the pose correctly. I thought I would spend more time just standing on the mat not able to do the really hard poses. While it was still very difficult, I did better than I thought I would.

I went online to check out Bikram yoga reviews to see what other people were writing about Bikram. I got the usual "i loved it" or "i hated it" responses. Those made sense to me. But what surprised me were the reviews that claimed it was dangerous or that Bikram and folks were lying about the weight loss benefits because you are are only sweating out water weight.

Do people lose their common sense when they want to critize something? There were reviews warning againts Bikram yoga because you can pull a muscle. What exercise out there does not come with the risk of injury? It's like saying running is bad for you because you can hurt yourself. I had a brother in law put himself in the hospital after a marathon and afterwards talked about how it was TOTALLY worth it. Threats of injury do not make me think that Bikram yoga is a crock or "dangerous", in fact it just makes me think that it is probably acutally strenuous exercise (yay!).

Another review said that the weight loss claims were false because people were only losing water weight and putting it back on when they drink water. LOLS! This made me laugh because while the water weight theory might be true on a day to day basis, this can not account for long term weight loss (which occurs when Bikram, like any other excersise, is done regularly).

I am dreading going again tonight. It was so hard! I would love to have a friend join me to add a social aspect to it. I don't know if it will be a part of my regular routine. Of course, only after doing it once I have yet to see what the long term results will be. It is expensive and time consuming, and the studio is far away from my house. I think it was worth the $40 Groupon though! If I see another one come through I would totally get it again.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T12:02:00.001-07:00

My goal is to start blogging more. A freind of mine wrote me the other day and said she appreciated my openness. I always thought I had a problem with TMI and that perhaps I was over sharing. It was nice to hear that my friends appreciate it when I am myself.

Of course today I have been thinking a lot about my Savior. I love him dearly and I am grateful for the sacrifice he made to me. It is still difficult for me to ponder about religion and faith. I have mixed emotions still when it comes to my faith. I would qualify this last year and a half as a year that I lost my faith, yet found myself. I pray for a day that I can have both. Right now they seem to be mutually exclusive. Thankfully the Atonement, as I understand it, will bring the two together again one day. Sometimes I get defensive against the voices in my head. The ones I imagine my friends and family to have. The voices that tell me I have given up, or I didn't try hard enough, or that I am supposed to feel some sort of remorse for the way I am living my life. Those voices seem to quiet after interactions with people like my mother, who when I was struggling with a dilemma, reassured me that the Holy Ghost will guide me as it always has and to listen to that inner voice. She knows I haven't been to church in over a year and that I am not living in a way that would keep me worthy of the LDS version of the Holy Ghost. But she also knows that the Lord loves me and wants to guide me when I ask for it any time. I know God is everywhere, not just with the Mormons or those who have yet had a chance to accept the Gospel. He is with those who have rejected it as well.

The Atonement is real and it is always working. Thank you Jesus! Thank you for dying for me so I could figure this all out in my own time.

Not just for alcoholics

2011-02-24T08:55:00.001-08:00

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference."

In alcoholics anonymous the Serenity Prayer is recited in every meeting. It is a key tenent in recovery for most any addiction. But we don't need to be addicted to anything for this mantra to be useful. While initially a Christian prayer I feel the sentiments similar to things I have learned while studying Buddhism. The serenity prayer is all about learning to accept, THEN take action.

It may sound weird, but through studying Buddhism and general spirituality I feel I have been able to better understand my relationship with God and how he operates towards me.

Some things I have been pondering lately....

Why do I relate so well to the Buddhist teachings about acceptance and love? I grew up standing up every Sunday in Young Womens and reciting things like "I am a daughter of God, he loves me and I love him" Every Sunday I stated that I stood for things like "divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, integrity...and others" and it seems that while I picked up on a couple of them, I never really spiritually grasped others. Why not? Was I not ready? Did I not really believe it?

I guess no where in the teachings did I hear anything about acceptance. It was always about doing better and changing for the better. I translated that into "I'm not good enough and will never be good enough"

In teaching humility are we also teaching self hatred? Where is the fine line between the two? Im not saying that teaching humility is bad, just that my interpretation of what humility looks like may be faulty.

I know this is all kind of deep stuff. I know it is also stuff that a lot of people struggle with. Some people have this acceptance skill down. They recognize what they can't control and move on. Some people get stuck here for a very long time. They get mad and they stay mad over stuff that happens that they can't control. Sometimes I think I have this skill down. In many areas of my life I do have it down. But in others, man, do I hang on!

I can tell you that since I have been practicing acceptance in all areas of my life I have felt much freer to take action in the areas that really matter. :)

Thoughts on goals and resolutions

2011-01-05T06:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, I mean this in the most positive way possible....

I have been thinking lately (as we all have) about goals and resolutions. Why do we set them? To become a better person? To change something about ourselves that we don't like? Personally I hate new years, it has always been a time for me to look back and reflect on all the crap I put myself through the year before. I have gone through counseling, self help seminars, countless friends who listen like champs, and more. All to help me accomplish certain goals and resolutions. But I came to the conclusion that at the end of the day it doesn't matter. At the end of the day you are just the same person inside, you'll go back to your same habits and ways of living because they work for you. I'm not saying goals are bad or pointless. No, I think they are necessary to help us get to where we want to be. BUT, I'm still the same needy, insecure girl I was before I decided to (insert random goal here). So at the end of the day, I better learn to love myself anyway.

My little Picaso

2010-11-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

I spend a lot of time at Amy and Dano's house. So much in fact that the other night Noah called me "Aubrey-mom". I love spending time with Isaak, Noah and Kayla! The other day I went over and Isaak and Noah had been playing outside with their sidewalk chalk.

This is a picture of me!

At the risk of being one of those annoying people who only talk about how cute their kids are (even though they're not my kids) I am so proud of Isaak and Noah. They are the best kids I know.

Basketcase

2010-10-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

I wish a blog could convey the way music makes me feel. Sara Bareilles is possibly my songwriter alter ego. I have been listening to this song on repeat constantly since I heard it. The painful lyrics set to the haunting melody is just heartwrenching. Amazing.

I don't want to talk about it to you
I'm not an open book that you can rifle through
The cold hard truth that you'll see right to
I'm just basket case without you

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case
Now I'm just a basket case

I don't say much and it'll stay that way
You got a steel train touch and I'm just a track you lay
So I'll stay right here underneath you
I'm just a basket case and that what we do

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

When mom and dad are away

2010-10-18T21:58:00.000-07:00

We get silly!

We go in the bathroom and make funny faces in the mirror

And then we laugh so hard we fall over

You can't really tell but Noah is not wearing any pants. Silly faces in the mirror distracts a 2 year old from pants. Who needs pants anyway?

Sometimes people change like the seasons...

2010-10-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

I know we are in Arizona and really don't have different seasons. But it's kind of stormy and windy outside and it is so nice to not have 100 degree weather anymore. The change in the weather gets me excited to set new goals, go running outside, and move on from memories of people that really should be forgotten about.

Moments of Vulnerability

2010-10-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

I am doing great. I have a full life filled with amazing adventures. I am so blessed with the best family and friends a girl could ask for. I feel happy and fulfilled...most of the time.

Today was an emotionally draining one. A scary freeway accident resulted in (luckily) no injuries and no citation for me, but also in being yelled at and called a liar by the other driver's mother. I.don't.lie. It is not in my moral fabric to do so. I have done many other morally questionable things. I may have emotionally exaggerated the truth in my life or possibly remembered something incorrectly. But I can not outright tell a lie. This is one of the things I pride myself on and I take it very personally when my honesty is called in to question. To be accused like that by someone who doesn't know me and wasn't a witness to the accident shook me up to say the least. So when I came home this evening, all I really wanted was to walk in to a supportive significant other, have him tell me all would be ok, and just hold me. I felt so...needy.

Am I the only one who does this to myself? I am coasting along in life doing pretty good, and then a moment comes along...a moment of vulnerability...and I discount the happy moods. I begin to doubt my stability and think to myself "maybe I'm not ok" "maybe I am codependant" "maybe I am just fooling myself into believing I am happy".

But I digress. Even the strongest have their moments of vulnerability. When they just need to have a good cry (ok I cry a lot, but I find strength in a good cry) they allow themselves to have that emotion, individually, without it threatening their past and future joy. I find that a relief. A pass to be able to just feel my feelings without equating them to mental illness or instability, and if feels good.

Daily Inspirations

2010-10-04T12:34:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been relying on multiple daily inspirations to propel me through my day. These short thoughts and meditations have made all the difference in my attitude and outlook. They are helping me find an inner peace. With this inner peace I am able to genuinely give my love to others.

Each morning, the first thing I do after I wake up, is read an entry from the Language of Letting Go. These are daily meditations for those in codependancy recovery. Usually the entry will start with a quote, then explain how we use this skill in our lives, then end with a prayer or though to a higher power. Sometimes, if the prayer is one I feel a particular need to work on in my own life, I write it down and carry it with me in my pocket for the rest of the day. I can pull it out and read it whenever I need to.

Usually right after lunch I will read an entry from A Quiet Mind. This book focuses on quieting our minds (what else?) and finding stillness in our increasingly busy lives. I believe this is the way to truly realize our full potential and tap into our destinies here on this earth. Today the challenge was to spend 10 minutes just sitting still. If you know me, this is an almost impossible task for myself. I am the most fidgety person I know! This mid day break helps me attack my afternoons with energy and gusto.

To Be Luminous is my friend Heidi's blog. She is someone who I admire and respect greatly. I feel so lucky to have her friendship. She does life coaching and each day her blog is filled with inspiration that gives me the energy to go out there and attack my life. It has become yet another one of my daily inspiratons. Click on the link above and I dare you to not smile and feel happy as you read her posts.

Since my family and many of my friends who read this blog are LDS you may wonder where prayer or church falls into this category. This has been a touchy subject for me for the last year. Prayer and mending my relationship with my Father in Heaven has been a focus of mine. However, The other day a friend asked me to read a scripture a day. I couldn't do it. For many years the church and my religious upbringing have represented a very unhealthy emotional place for me. I am working on not blaming anyone for this (it's hard!) but I spent a lot of my years hating myself for my imperfections and feeling guilty and not good enough because I struggled with some rules placed before me. Today I choose to focus only on what is positive and uplifts me. Guilt and shame do the opposite. One day I hope to be able to see organized religion and its teachings as a positive way to live up to the light of Christ. Until then, I will continue to love myself and those around me no matter what our religious state may be.

Setbacks

2010-09-27T08:07:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was at Barnes and Noble. A particular book stood out to me. It was a daily meditation book for those who have been attending Codependants Anonymous. For a time I had considered attending these meetings. I am so tired of failed relationships and emotional health that depends on the approval of others. In the end, I decided that a weekly meeting wasn't the right thing for me at this time, but I still wanted to work on some of my codependancy issues.

Daily, first thing in the morning, I read an entry. Many of the entries end with a prayer or a thought to meditate on through the day. As I go through out my day I keep this thought in mind. It has helped me tremendously.

Interestingly enough today's entry was about setbacks. We all experience them and they can be devastating when we do. This weekend I experienced a setback.
I gave in.
I texted him.
3 times!
And I called him too.
No response.
I was devastated.
I thought we had talked about being friends. I thought for sure that when I reached out to him he would respond. To be ignored like that hurt almost as much as the initial break up. I felt so rejected and embarassed that once again he has the control over how I feel.

Now for the good news. I know I will experience set backs in heartbreak and in life. As painful as they are, sometimes they are just what we need to give us that little push forward into furthering our healing and growth. So while this hurts, I understand I am not starting over, I am using this for fuel to continue my movement upward.

Climb Every Mountain

2010-09-21T13:59:00.001-07:00

I have been wanting to climb camelback since I heard about it. I had no idea what it was really like. This hike is no joke! Between stair stepping, handrailings, and rock scrambling you are pretty much hiking straight up the entire time. Thanks Lari for dragging me up there!

One day I will be like all those crazy people I saw and RUN up the mountain.

I have come to believe in hiking as a metaphor for life. I generally like hiking and think it is fun. There are times when I hate hiking. There are times when I have turned back down the hill because I was too tired to go any further, only to learn I was a mere 100 yards away from a beautiful vista. There are times when I have fallen and injured myself. But there are times when I have made it to the top and felt so good about myself I shouted out loud! This could be a long term or short term metaphor. It doesn't matter. All I know is that every emotion I have felt in life I have felt while I was on a hike as well.

This is your birthday song. It is not very long

2010-09-19T14:11:00.000-07:00

So this year I turned 31. I was not too into the idea of having a birthday since we had just made a huge deal of my 30th last year. What with our trip to San Francisco and a week long celebration I really did not have the energy to get all excited for my birthday. It ended up being a pretty nice day. I took the day off and spent some time at the gym and then hanging out at Amy's playing with the kids and relaxing. We had planned a family dinner with Amy, Dano and the kids, but illness struck and the kids were too sick to go out to eat. Graciously, Dano watched the kids while Amy and I had a sisters night out. Then it was back to the house for some cake and ice cream! The kids drew me pictures and gave me a lovely card. Amy bought this awesome cake and my favorite ice cream. Rocky Road!!

Thanks Amy for all the effort you put in! She is such an amazing sister. :)

The next night Joanne and Branden took me to the Big Bang, a piano bar in the heart of Tempe. I seriously had so much fun I forgot how old I was.

Branden doesn't know how to make a normal face in a picture. That is what I love about him.

Coming out of the dark!

2010-09-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

LOL. I hate Celine Dione but this song stuck in my head when I thought about what I wanted this post to be about. I have been having some good days mixed with some very bad days. No matter the day it has been companied with crying. Don't get me wrong, I believe crying is healthy and important, but damn I just wanted the crying to stop. Sometimes it's a little tear, sometimes it's a deep sob, but every day there is the shedding of at least a few tears.

Today is one of the good days. I was even able to have a moment, albeit a quick one, where I thought to myself I wouldn't want to get back together if he asked. That got me all excited! I can't even begin to tell you the power of daily meditation with a purpose. I bought a daily meditation book, and I may describe it in more detail at a later date, but since I have started out my day with the thought for the day etched in my brain I have been able to focus my energy on more important things then lamenting the loss of a man. Especially since there were so many things I ignored in my life when I was with him. I am feeling hopeful and renewed, which is a big improvement upon yesterday when I was feeling sad for no apparant reason other than I just wanted to cry all day long.

On a very positive note I think I have figured out a direction for my career. For work we are taking this emotional intelligence quotience training. It was no surprise that I scored very low in many areas. Most of the questions pertained to my emotional state in the last month. However, it wasn't just the breakup that has left my life unsatisfying. Knowing this, I have set out a new plan. I won't reveal yet, just in case it changes, but it makes me feel better knowing it is there.

Florida!

2010-09-10T16:27:00.000-07:00

In August I went to visit my beautiful friend Heidi. She had just returned to Flordia from living almost 2 years in Prague. Heidi and I have known each other for years since I moved to San Jose in 2004. She was one of my first and greatest friends in California. One thing I love about my California friends is that they truly are like family. Even when we move to other states we keep in touch. We are able to celebrate the good times, support through the hard times, and love eachother through it all.

The weekend was filled with fun Florida food and fabulous girl talk. I can always count on Heidi to help me sort things out in my life. We had cuban food, fruity drinks on the bay (did you know you can get a virgin mojito? Tasty!) and keylime pie that was to die for (if you watched Dexter season 3 you will get the pun).

One of my goals was to see an alligator. This came about from a conversation I had with John the day before I left. He was trying to alleviate my fear of alligators by telling me they were not that prevalent in Florida unless you lived in the everglades. I was positive we would see one on the roadside or something. The end of my trip was nearing and we still had not seen one. So we decided to go gator hunting! We found a company that allows you to rent canoes and travel down the river, their website boasted of all the wildlife you would see including gators! This was my chance to see one up close and personal. I was terrified.

This is the river we canoed down. Doesn't it seem so serene and peaceful? I nearly started to tear up as the guide pushed out canoe out in to the water. Heidi made fun of me because at first I was scared to paddle. I didn't want to anger the waters!! I did not find out till afterwards there are hundreds of alligators lurking beneath the surface of this water. We canoed right over them without even knowing. I did see 2 alligators while on the trip

Uhh....yeah, as if I was going to get out and swim. HA!

This was taken after we had reached the end of the trip! We were so happy to be alive! Really it ended up being a serene canoe trip through a beautiful ecosystem I had really never been in before. The river was teeming with life and it was fun to see all the different birds, turtles, and such. The 2 alligators I did see were some distance away and I only caught a glimpse of their eyes and noses as they sunk into the water. Turns out gators are fairly mild unless provoked and they don't like to attack adults or big canoes.

Thanks Heidi for the awesome adventure!

Isn't this how relationships are supposed to work?

2010-09-02T08:51:00.000-07:00

I was blog hopping this morning. Basically I just click on the "next blog" link at the top of my page and see what I find. Today I found a blog by a chinese woman living in America. She just got married and had this to say about here conversations with her American friends about marraige.

"I must say here that many American women have told me this idea making my husband happy is incorrect. They have said I have a submissive attitude and that I will allow anything just to please my husband. This is not so. It is simple math. If he is happy, I am happy. If I see to his happiness, he will see to mine. It is not about me only. It is not about him only. Forgive me if this offends you but I think many American women are full of silly ideas of the matter. Why would a husband work for your happiness if you only receive but never give? It is silliness to think such a thing."

I have talked to so many men who are frustrated that women act so entitled towards them. These women seem to have this attitude that it is the man's job to make them happy. Yet these are the women that are getting married (and divorced). These are the women these men choose to spend their time with. I have the same attitude as this chinese woman above, yet all it seems to do is get me dumped. I don't lose myself, I don't let them take advantage of me, but I work hard to make sure that my man is happy. So if I start acting like a bitch and requiring him to bow down to me is that the way to get my man to stick around? I am confused.

Maybe I'm not ready

2010-08-24T10:32:00.001-07:00

I thought the best way for me to get over the ex was to get out there and find some distractions. I found them. I have 3 guys I am talking to online and I went to my first singles activity in 3 months last night and met 3 new guys there as well. Today I am a wreck. I am scared and terrified and really I just want to be with my ex. He said he wants to be friends but really I feel like I am getting the big blowoff and I hate it. If anyone out there reads my blog, how do you get over your break ups quickly? I can't handle feeling this way anymore.

I remember hearts that beat...

2010-08-23T09:40:00.000-07:00

This weekend had its good and bad moments. I have an amazing sister and some amazing friends who took the time to make sure I didn't have to spend any time alone. That really meant a lot to me because it seems like every time I am left alone I start to cry (dang you negative thoughts!)

I spent the weekend convincing myself he was a horrible boyfriend. I thought about every one of his faults and how I am sooooo glad I don't have to deal with THAT anymore. It worked for a couple days, I think. Then I got to work this morning and I sat down in my office, all alone, and thought about how much I miss him.

Friday night my sister invited me to go to her gym with her. We attended a spin class. I love spin because the music really gets me motivated and I feel so good afterwards. This was an hour long class, and partially because I haven't been eating well, partially because I have been depressed, I really half assed the first half of this class. I really didn't want to be there, I really felt like all the energy had been sucked out of me. I just cried as I pedaled (good thing the room was dark!) Once I finished crying my energy returned and I was able to finish the class with gusto. After that class I felt great for the rest of the night and all in to the next day. It helps remember how much our bodies and souls need exercise. We need that activity, we need those endorphins to power us through as we move through our lives.

In my effort to quickly get over this heartache I have jumped back on to a couple dating websites. I have already started talking to a couple guys. I really have no interest in dating right now, but I have found the quickest way to get over someone you can't have is to find someone else, even if you are not that interested in them. It's all a #'s game right?

If it's a broken arm then brace it, if it's a broken part replace it, if it's a broken heart then face it...

2010-08-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been very emotionally taxing. I was dating a man I liked a lot for the last 3 months. There wasn't really anything wrong in the relationship. We got along well, we laughed, we had affecton for each other. I think I knew in my heart it wasn't ever going to be anything long term, but it still hurt a lot to hear him say he wanted to break up. It wasn't the most blissful I have been when I have dated someone, but it felt comfortable and it felt good to not be alone. It was so nice to just be with somebody and not worry anymore about trying to attract a mate. That can be a taxing process and a self esteem killer.

What I really have had to process was how I actually feel about the breakup. Am I really going to miss this man? Or am I really just missing the companionship? When I really think about it, the answer is the latter. So when it comes down to it, I guess it is better that the relationshp ended earlier than later. I put my best effort forward, gave it my all and in the end it wasn't what was right for him or me and that part kind of sucks too. He is a good man and I hold no hard feelings towards him. In the end we decided to continue to date casually and remain friends. I don't like break ups that end nasty, it is extremely difficult to accomplish but it is so important for me.

So now I need to harness all the energy I was putting in to him and redistribute it into other areas of my life.

This weekend I am turning off my phone, not checking facebook, and getting centered. There is a path before me and it looks very scary and dark, but I have been down this road, and I can go down it again with just a little more confidence than I did the last time. :)

Life is good!

2010-06-01T08:05:00.001-07:00

Well I have just been slacking on my blog! I know life has been too busy when I don't even have time to write about it. So many exciting changes I can't even begin to think of where to start.

Work has been crazy and an emotional rollercoaster. So much happening in the department and nobody really knows what our fate is. Luckily I have a great supervisor I can vent to and when I bring up changes and solutions to my frustrations he has supported me. I bought a mini fridge for my office and I love being able to just turn my chair around and grab my lunch.

School has been put on hold again but I am not worried about it. I know it will take me a long time to finish but I am ok with that.

Probably the most exciting development in my life is that I have started dating someone. Don't get too excited, it is nothing serious yet. We have been dating for about 3 weeks now and we are just having a good time. The fun part about it is that I didn't meet him through a dating website. I met him through a mutual friend at a birthday dinner and he took the effort to get my #. We had perhaps one of the best first dates of my life. For now we pretty much spend all of our time together getting to know each other and just laughing all the time. I won't say too much about him other than that he has beautiful blue eyes and I am a sucker for 'em. We spent yesterday just lazing about the house and doing nothing for our holiday off. He caught me looking at him with a goofy grin and I remember thinking "I am comfortable" and I was smiling because we had approached my favorite part of dating when you stop putting on a show and you just relax and "be" together. Life is good. :)

MLIA

2010-05-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

Today, as I was driving down the freeway at 80 MPH I saw a truck pass me. He was going about 90-95 MPH and on the side of the truck it read "speedy towing" and it made me smile to know that he was living up to his business model. MLIA

Camping and Boys

2010-04-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

Camping camping camping boys boys boys.

LOL. This is what is on my brain right now. I am heading out to Joshua Tree this afternoon to hang out and go camping with some friends. There will be people from Arizona and California there and I don't know a lot of them. Should be fun.

I have been trying the internet dating for a while now. I am still on LDS mingle. I talked to a couple nice guys from there and met one. We have gone on 3 dates or something like that. He is a nice guy but I think we are in the friend zone (my choice) I joined Eharmony a few weeks back. Haven't met anyone from there yet but I have been talking to a couple guys who seem really nice and one in particular that I have clicked with enough to want to go out with him at least once. I know some of my friends and family may be shocked and dismayed by this admission but I did not select the "mormon only" option on eharmony. Of course I will not settle, but I only want to be happy and I am not finding what I am looking for with LDS guys. Of course I will not rule them out all together but I am being open. I did this once before a few years ago with Match.com and didn't find anyone to write home about so who knows where this will lead. I know many people (LDS and non) that have had great success with Eharmony. So far I feel really good about it.

Well I am off to Joshua Tree! Happy Easter!

So Emotional

2010-03-29T15:11:00.001-07:00

Today I was thinking about what my life would be like if I was not as emotional as I am. Now don't get me wrong I have learned to embrace and love my drama queen self, but I think my life would be so much easier! I could carry on logical conversations and make decisions that didn't have an emotional context in their basis. I could stay away from people who were unhealthy for me because I would no longer be emotionally attached to them (I probably would have stayed away in the first place because I would not have been emotionally drawn to them even though I knew they were bad bad bad for me). I could get more work done after one of my coworkers told me I was wrong about something (instead I sit at my desk and sulk). I could sit in church and listen instead of think about how dang jealous I am of all those shiny happy families. I wouldn't have debilitating anxiety attacks every time I think about writing a paper for school.

All of those alternatives seem great!!!

But then again...I wouldn't have tears spring to my eyes when that candidate tells me I have changed their life by helping them find a job. I wouldn't get that fluttering in my stomach when I get that first kiss. I wouldn't get that high I get after I come off a date where we sit and talk for hours and just connect. I wouldn't feel that amazing joy every time Isaak and Noah run for me when I walk through the door and look up at me with those beautiful eyes and adorable smiles. My heart wouldn't melt every time Kayla looks at me with her baby blues and smiles. I wouldn't know how to truly appreciate my husband and children since I waited so long to have them in my life. I wouldn't know the exileration that comes from finishing that paper, turning it in, and getting an A.

So while sometimes I hate being run by my emotions I love it at the same time because I get to feel all the great and amazing parts of life even more strongly than the hard parts.

If you want more love...why don't you say so?

2010-02-18T20:33:00.000-08:00

As I sit here listening to John Mayer's Heartbreak Warfare I ponder this question. It is an interesting song lyric to me. It leads me to ask the question "should we have to ask for more love?" I have always felt like love should never be asked for. It should be a gift from the the lover since it is, afterall, their heart they are giving away. In my life I have come across guys who have said to me "you never asked" when I asked why they waited till after we broke up to tell me they loved me. I just don't think I could ask the question no matter how much I want to be loved. And believe me, I have wanted it so bad so many times from so many guys. I think if someone asked me to love them I would feel pressured and confused and not ever really be able to decide if they love me or not. But the truth is, yes John, I want more love.

Speaking of love...I went to Mexico this weekend. Rocky Point is about 4 hours south of Phoenix. It is not a particularly tropical or glamorous destination. But I was in heaven.

I spent my whole weekend sitting in a beach chair listening the waves and reading. I finished 3 books (2 of which I was already half way finished with). Did I say it was heaven?

Can I go back again next weekend? This is a picture of HAPPINESS.

New Crush

2010-01-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

The honeymoon phase is over...does anyone agree this is the worst time ever? Because when you have those new crushes everything seems so intense and exciting. You think about eachother ever second of the day, you make every effort to see that person as much as you can, you email, you call, you facebook, you text, it's never enough! And then...phbhttttt...it's over. At least that's how it always how it is for me. Everything is white hot. You have these two really intense weeks and then he seems to just forget how excited he was about me and goes about his daily life like I wasn't even there at all.

Most of you are probably wondering where this came from and why I had not mentioned in the last few weeks that there was a potential guy in my life. This was for multiple reasons, the biggest one was that I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, he is not LDS and there were so many other reasons as to why it never could have been a long term thing so why even bring it up to friends and family when you know they will just get so excited over what will turn out to be nothing. So anyway, I knew this day was coming. I was prepared for it. I was even the one that put the brakes on. But man, it still sure is sad when it does happen. I miss the attention.

.com

2010-01-05T06:48:00.000-08:00

I am considering a foray back into the world of online dating. It has been succesful for some, unsuccesful for some, and not that great for me. I'll try a different website this time and cross my fingers and hope for the best. I'm not really looking for an EC (eternal companion,) I am more just hoping to find something to take my mind off this impossible crush I have on someone who is SO not available and never will be. Wish me luck!

I got back on the Weight Watchers as of yesterday. I did pretty good over the holidays...I keep fluctuating between the same 2 lbs and I would like to get out of the 150's and in to the 140's! I think if I give myself a 6 month goal for the remaining 25 lbs it sounds attainable to me. It's easy for me to somewhat follow the plan and eat better, but once I start getting strict about it my appetite jumps up about 1,000 degrees. It's like once I have eaten my points for the day I suddenly feel like I am starving. Not sure how to get over that hump. Also, I do really well during the day at work, but the second I get home I just want to pig out on everything in sight.

Sustainability and other thoughts

2010-01-04T18:15:00.000-08:00

You know those cold winter days when you just want to take a hot shower and let it run until all the hot water is gone? Well I guess today is not so cold, but it was in my apartment and I was just in the mood for a good ol' steaming hot shower. It was everything I hoped it would be, but then, just as the water was starting to run lukewarm, I remembered the book I have been reading about the collapse of major societies and the reasons behind them. The conclusion of the book is that it is always environmental. So I guess as I stood under the stream of scalding water for the last half hour I was being not so sustainable. I really hope my kids have hot water to shower with. It is one of life's many small pleasures.

This kid turned 2 yesterday. I love Noah for many reasons, but one of them is that he is just so "Noah".

Lookin Sexy!

2009-12-30T11:18:00.000-08:00

You might think I'm not the type of girl to wear her nice work blouse paired with running pants and flip flops to the grocery store....but I am.

Isn't She SO cute!

2009-12-29T17:34:00.000-08:00

She's my new favorite little girl and I can't get enough of her. The second I met her I instantly rethought my "no girls allowed" deal I thought I had with God when it came time for me to bear my own children. She is the most precious thing I think I have ever seen.

For Christmas we all went to my parents house in St George. Liz and Kayla fell asleep on the same chair. How precious! One of the best parts about Christmas was being all together as a family. We stayed in all weekend and played games, watched movies, and ATE our way through so much food. It was HEAVEN!

Noah got really in to setting up the dominoes and pushing them down. Don't they make a cute Father/Son team!

My other favorite part of Christmas was Isaak. He is now 4 1/2 and old enough to get SO excited about Christmas. He jumped and shouted over almost every single present. More than that, it was so fun to see Isaak warm up to all his aunts and uncles. One time over the weekend all the adults were playing games and Isaak was playing on his own. I overheard him walk up to my Uncle Jed (who Isaak has met maybe a few times) and he askes "how's your reading going Jed?" in such an adult manner. It was the cutest little conversation. Each night Isaak had to hug and kiss all the adults good night and wish them a "good christmas morning". There were 10 of us. It was adorable. The day after we arrived my dad took Isaak on a hike. He was running with his hands in his pockets and tripped and fell face first on to a rock. He showed up at home with a goose egg the size of a peanut M&M over his eye and his face all scraped up. Amy and I did all we could not to cry and brave Isaak hardly wimpered. In fact he was fine till he saw my initial reaction which I quickly had to quiet myself because it was worrying him. I kept asking him throughout the weekend if his face still hurt, he always said no. What a brave kid!!

So now it is back to the hustle and bustle of real life. Time to get working on my 2010 goals (I have a lot of them) and stop procrastinating things I keep putting off till "next year". I still have 26 more lbs to lose, I have an associates degree to complete, and an addiction I have set a goal to be 1 year free of in 2010. It's a little overwhelming when I look at the list, but I have learned that I feel better when I take things one day at a time.

Perspective

2009-12-22T13:13:00.000-08:00

So lately I have been down in the dumps, feeling like everything was starting to get to me again. I have moments of clarity where everything is ok then I have moments of weakness where I can feel my peace slipping away. I feel grateful that these moments are so much fewer and far between than they used to be. Usually they are directly correlated with my spiritual progression of the moment, but many times they suprise me at the height of my spirituality. The hard part is when I get that way I have no desire to do the simple things that make me feel better. I have all the tools, but sometimes I just don't feel like using them. Then I happened upon the NieNie Dialogues. I first heard about Stephanie Nielsen from my friend Jennie Gibson and then today as i was was on AZ Central I came across a story about Stephanie. Her thoughts about her experiences were so real to me. She didn't remain upbeat or positive in the months following her crash...she wanted to die. Yet she found a way to become a wife and a mother again. It changed my perspective. I am thankful that I happened upon this blog for a few reasons.

First: I can't feel sorry for myself after reading her story. I have so much to be grateful for.

Second: While I may suffer emotional pain that prevents me from doing what I would like to do, I do not have physical limitations holding me back. I am supremely greatful for that.

Third: It made me realize that nothing is forever. Whether one is healing from the scars of a near fatal plane crash or the scars of addiction, the person that develops out of the scars is just as beautiful and healing CAN occur even if the person that emerges looks different than before. So in times when I feel like I am going to feel this way forever I will remember to come back and read this post.

On a side note: I got to go see Jen and Zach a week or so ago in Utah. I don't think a girl could have better friends than these two...and their baby Abbey...she is a miracle. They get to thank Heaven for her every day. They are proof that Heavenly Father has a plan. I can't wait to look back one day and say "oh, that was the plan. Hmm,well it all makes sense...now". Won't that be cool? That's what Abbey is for them and they deserve her. Anyway, my trip was perfect. We stayed in all (snowy) weekend and watched movies and ate junk food and stayed up till 2:30 AM crying and talking. It was love.

Bri is here!

2009-11-12T21:10:00.000-08:00

I know it looks like I want to beat her up in this picture, but really I am so excited to have Brianne here for the weekend. Carleen and I have been working on her for a long time to convince her to move here. I hope one day it works!

Good news list:

lost 11.5 lbs so far
got new job in recruiting for University of Phoenix-dream job!
2 dates with AWESOME guys this week
did I mention Bri is here?
I talked to someone who REALLY understands
Noah gave me kisses (he is very selective with his affection)

Thoughts on Happiness

2009-11-08T00:36:00.000-08:00

I used to think that happiness came from getting what you want in life. I thought it came from blessings, or finding the love of your life, or getting your dream job, or from your amazing kids, friends, toys, etc. While all of those things are great, I do not believe that any single one of them will bring happiness. NOTHING will bring happiness. Through many trials and bouts of sadness I have yearned to find the secret to being happy. My life has been tremendously blessed from the moment I was brought in to this world, however happiness eluded me. It escaped my grasp until I figured out that I could take joy in my life, no matter what I had or didn't have. Happiness is a choice that can never be taken away or given to me.

I have also learned that to be a happy person it is ESSENTIAL to not be happy all the time. 2nd Nephi 2:11 says "For it must needs be, that there is an aopposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility"
This means that it is necessary for there to be opposition in happiness too. We must feel pain and sorrow and sadness to truly appreciate what it feels like to be sad. But not just once, or even a few times at the beginning of our life, we need to experience these emotions often to truly feel the happiness when we choose to feel it. I used to be so afraid of being sad. So afraid of it that it truly was all I felt. because sadness was what I focused on so much, I could not allow any other emotions into my heart. Instead of fear them, I embrace my horrible days. For when I embrace them they change from horrible days, to horrible moments and I can then move on to the next emotion.

I went to a fireside given by Sister Oaks today. It was for a single adult conference and she addressed our singleness by saying it was not an accident that we are single at this time. We are exactly in the place where the lord would have us be, and there is a purpose for us being single. I have always looked at my singleness as a negative consequence of my own bad choices. What if it is a part of the plan? What if I can stop focusing on what I need to do to stop being single and just embrace it as being exactly what the Lord has planned for me in this moment. What if I could begin living every moment that way? As if every moment is exactly the moment the Lord had planned. It might not be the moment I had planned, but it is exactly what the Lord had planned. How would that affect my choices and the way I behaved?

The best news that comes from all of this personal revelation is that I GET to be happy, and I get to do it even without finding a husband, and that is pretty cool.

I can list at least 10 things I love about this, can you?

2009-10-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

2009-09-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

This is my Noah. My adorable 18 month old nephew. Today I am at my sister's house for Sunday dinner. While she cooks I am working on a final paper for a personality theories class. While I was sitting at the kitchen table working on the computer Noah was busy getting in to my purse. He finds the keys, walks past me shirtless and with keys in hand. He waves at me and says "bye!". Then walks out the garage door and heads for the car. I am positive it doesn't even cross his mind that he is a baby and doesn't know how to drive.

Picture taken by Susan Carr Photography

2009-09-02T18:08:00.000-07:00

This is my amazing cute sister Amy. She is six months pregnant and right after this picture was taken she walked with us across the Golden Gate bridge. I'm not worthy. Not only did she do that, but that morning she got up at 4:30 to make it to the airport to fly to San Jose, then we spent most of the morning walking around the city before we ended up at the bridge. Then after the bridge she made the 15 minute walk it took to get us to the restaurant in Sausalito. Again, I'm not worthy. Thanks Amy for making such a superwoman effort to be a part of my birthday. I love you!

Today is day 2 of WW. I feel like today was harder than yesterday. We had a team lunch for my birthday at Chipotle. Chipotle is one of my favorite places to eat. I usually only get half the meat and no cheese and sour cream or beans. Whithout these things it definitely makes my meal a lot healther. However it is still a whopping 18 points out of the 22 I am alotted for the day. Donna (my WW buddy at work) suggested I only eat half so I only used 9 of my points, then I could save the other half for dinner. But I just couldn't do it. Sure, half would have kept me satisfied. But I love the Barbacoa Burrito Bowl so much that I couldn't stop at half. My problem with food is this. I LOVE IT. It is an extreme emotional reaction I have every time I am eating something that tastes good to me. Even if I am full I don't want to stop because I want to keep tasting it. This is why I am an over eater. I get actual JOY from good tasting food, and I don't want that joy to end. I know this will be a long journey. One that will require me to retrain my brain how to eat. I know I am not the first and this is something that many people go through. I just hope I have the strength. Tonight I already have thoughts about bingeing and it's only day 2. Instead I sat down and had 1 cup of cheerios. With the milk it totals 3 points. I also ate an orange bell peper, 0 points. Because of lunch I will go over my points for the day by 5-10. Luckily we get 35 "cheat" points a week. I just wish I could get these thoughts out of my head about how much I want to eat, even though I am really not all that hungry.

I'm Hungry!

2009-09-01T18:30:00.000-07:00

I started weight watchers today. It's 6:30 and I've eaten all but 2 of my points and I'm still pretty hungry. Good thing I can snack on some veggies and fruits and not lose any points. I am sure that I was a major over eater so I'm expecting I will go to bed somewhat hungry for at least a few days. I've never been able to lose weight yet I know SO many people who have done WW and it has worked long term for them. I am not the type of person who is very good at writing everything down or being hyper vigilant about noting what I eat so this is definitely going to be a challange. The good news is that in 2 weeks I start a Nutrition class for school and I will be required to keep a food journal for that class as well. Might as well get a head start right? I can't wait to update next week and tell you guys if I have lost weight or not!

I got to go home last week

2009-08-31T17:09:00.000-07:00

For my 30th birthday I got to head home to northern California. I wish I could be independantly wealthy and have the ability to have a house in San Jose and Gilbert and enough money and time to travel as much as I want between the two. I was reminded of how much I love it there and how much I love my friends who have also become like family. Halfway through the week my awesome and amazing family came to CA to celebrate my birthday. I feel so lucky that they all made the trip for me!!

I pretty much ate my way through the bay area. Good thing I start Weight Watchers at work tomorrow. I got to hit up all my favorite food spots as well as try out a few new ones. Tuk Tuk thai is quickly becoming the traditional place to go after visiting Kevin at Pixar. Then on the evening of my birthday we went to a tiny little italian place in Sausalito called Cafe DiVino. It lived up to it's name and was divine. Then of course there was the obligitory Clam Chowder on the warf and hot fudge at Ghirardelli Square. I got my favorite cookie from Specialtys and introduced Amy to the amazingnessthat is Specialty's sandwiches. I ate my favorite veggie super burrito at Burrito Factory, my favorite wheat germ pancakes at Stacks, and had some amazing shrimp avacado rolls at a new found Japanese place in Carmel. My mouth is watering just thinking of all this stuff!!

One of my favorite parts of the trip was the night spent with these guys. Scooter races and jamming like we thought we were rock stars till 3 am in Emeryville made for an unforgetable night. I can't wait for Disneyland in November!!

Some things never change

2009-08-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

An entry from my journal in 1990.

New years should come soon so I can make a resolution to start writing in my blog more.

Pictures I found on my SD card

2009-06-30T21:43:00.001-07:00

My camera's battery has been dead for quite some time and since I have to find the charger somewhere in the mangle of cords I have collected over the years I just haven't gotten around to charging it. So I took the SD card and had a little adventure to see what I might find on it. Here are some of the highlights!

In my former house in Gilbert we were in charge of cleaning up the yard. Since none of us wanted to do it, it usually went unattended for long periods of time. My roommate Allison finally decided to take on the task. She pruned all the bushes and created piles of weeds, but the cleanup proved to be much more than any one person should have to handle. So we invited a boy from the ward over and spent a Saturday finishing the job. The following pictures depict the piles of yard waste leftover once all cleaned up.

This first picture is deceiving. This is just one of the piles....keep scrolling

Here's where it gets crazy! If you can't tell, this pile of debris is almost as tall as the tree behind it. We all got our arms all scratched up carrying the branches from the back yard to the front yard. Luckily the city took it all away in the bulk trash. Thanks again Allison for taking on such a huge project! The yard looked amazing afterwards.

Now why I didn't have the foresight to to take before and after pictures of the yard I'll never know. Just trust me, it looked awesome.

In April Amy, Dano and I took the kids to see the Easter Pageant. Noah had a hard time keeping still and Amy and Dano had to trade off chasing him around the temple grounds. Isaak sat on my lap for a good portion of the pageant asking me questions about everything happening on stage. His curiosity is so cute and I enjoy being a part of his learning and experiencing the world around him.

When you have kids most of the time you just hope for a good one of the parents and accept the picture as is! I think this was our 3rd attempt at a family picture.

Before it got hot I had a chance to hike up the mormon trail with my friend Stephanie. We had some amazing conversation and it was a beautiful hike. It was just strenuous enough to make us feel like we got a great workout for the evening.

The top of this hill overlooks south Phoenix. We were there for sunset and it was beautiful!

The picture doesn't even do the view justice!

Before Stephanie and I knew each other very well, on a whim I invited her to come to San Francisco with me. She ended up being a great travelling buddy and we had a great time. Since then we get together every so often and have adventures.

One thing the kids love to do to keep the boredom at bay! They hop in a laundry basket and make us push them around the house! Noah will usually hop in on his own and scream at you till you push him around. Then he giggles and laughs and begs for more. Isaak likes to hop in too because he always wants to be a part of the attention too!

Life is moving along

2009-06-15T17:06:00.000-07:00

Oh I feel bloggers guilt every time I log in to this page to look at everyone elses blog and realize that it's been months since I've posted on my own. Part of the problem is that my camera is dead and I have yet to charge it. The other part of the problem is that I have been so busy living life that I really haven't had time to write about it.

Summer so far has been great. Two weekends in a row I went tubing down the Salt River which is about a half hour north east of me. It's kind of a big drunken river party, but luckily both groups I was with really weren't that big of drinkers so I didn't feel too out of place. +2 points for tan and relaxation. -1 point for the weird teva tan I now have on my feet. I am love love loving the sunshine I have been getting. The summer this year has been AWESOME. We even got some rain last week which I think is unheard of in June in AZ.

School is going fine. I have an A in my Psych class, but I just begged my Academic Advisor to pull me from my HR class. How I made it the last 5 years in the HR field without wanting to shoot myself I will never know. I was so bored in that class I think I did less than half the work. -10 points for me being a hypocrite and telling all my students to suck it up and finish class when I can't even do it myself. Also I have decided to refocus and add a little more balance to my life. I am scaling back to only take one class at a time. My reasoning: I haven't had enough time to be as social as I would like. School is important, but so is getting married. I gotta get out there and D A T E and go to every social event out there if I have any hopes of snagging me a man. How can he find me if I'm in my room writing papers?

I have been seeing someone a little bit, but that is moving so slow that at this rate we'll decide to date exclusively around the year 2015....and I'm really impatient. So I am of course still keeping all my options open. I would forget about this guy but when I'm with him there is no other place I'd rather be. So for now, I'll let him move at his own pace...which may be non existent since he has been wishy washy on even letting me know if he is interested or not.

I have quit the hotel job - yet another thing that was interfering with my social life, and I am strictly working at UoP. I still like it there. Some days are crazier than others. Some people are crazier than others. The most important thing I have learned so far by being there is that nothing is in my control. I can just do the best I can and let the cards fall where they may.

I moved two weeks ago. The Elders Quorum really showed up for me and Anna Lisa as both of us had helpers that bailed on us at the last 2nd. So 2 days before moving day we called the ward. No less than 5 trucks and 10 guys showed up Saturday morning to help. It was fabulous!

I am loving my new apartment the more I live here, however I have been pretty lonely. I never thought I would get used to 5 roommates, but now that they are gone I am feeling like my life is so empty without all the chaos! Thus another reason why I have decided to refocus on my social life. I am done moping about being lonely. If I am lonely I have challenged myself to do something about it rather than sitting at home and wondering why no one calls me like I usually do.

Well that's it for now. I have a few pictures I took a while back that I would love to post, so hopefully those are coming in the next few days.

It's possible...

2009-04-13T21:49:00.000-07:00

...that I will blog again. Sometimes after you say something really important you find it necessary to just be quiet and listen. So many good pictures taken lately. So many fun things. Work is going great (except for today, but I will look at it as a challenge rather than a bad thing).

Went to the Easter Pageant with Amy and the kids. Isaak sat on my lap and asked questions the whole time. He's going through a phase where he likes to tell me he doesn't love me. I'm not taking it personal because 3 year olds will be 3 year olds and I'm not even sure they grasp the concept of love. However, I make it a point that every time he says that, I tell him that even if he doesn't love me I love him always, no matter what.

Allison was an animal and deforested our back yard for us. Then Saturday we had a group clean up of all the branches and rotted leaves. I took pictures of the 10+ foot high pile that is now in our front yard for the bulk trash city pickup to take care of.

I still haven't done my taxes or bought a birthday present for my mom (same day). I know what I'll be doing tomorrow after work.

Costa Vida catered our Easter dinner and I ate so much my stomach hurt for at least 8 hours afterwards. I just couldn't control myself, it was free and right in front of me. I think I learned the true meaning of gluttony yesterday.

The Best News of 2009!!!

2009-02-25T16:27:00.000-08:00

Many of you have read or heard about my friends Jen and Zach and their journey in trying to conceive or adopt. You've seen the button I have on the side of my page leading to their blog. Well a little over a month ago I got the best phone call I have had in my entire life. Jen is pregnant!!!! We got to laugh and cry together over this amazing new development, and now that the secret is out of the bag, we all get to laugh and cry together. She blogged about her experience at www.zachandjennie.com Feel free to head over there and wish her well!

I'm Awesome...How did I do that?

2009-02-23T21:01:00.000-08:00

So I am knee deep into my first week at UoP. So far it's actually quite fun because my trainer is a riot and we pretty much spend the class time trading sarcasm back and forth. Too bad he's married or I would have a serious crush. The rest of the class is pretty funny too and we all have a good time breaking up the monotany with really dumb jokes. One of our favorite inside jokes is "It's pretty lonely here up on Mt. Humble" because we really just sit there and talk about how awesome we are when we get a question right. It makes the time go by faster and we laugh a lot so our stomache muscles are getting a workout too.

Tonight I went to another Midsingles FHE. We all went bowling...and here's another reason why I am awesome. No, it's not because I bowled a 66. That's right brothers and sisters...a 66. No the reason I'm awesome is because I got asked for my # for the first time since I moved here. Go ME.

PS. After Wii bowling so much, real bowling got like 10 times harder.

Viva Las Vegas!

2009-02-16T12:56:00.000-08:00

From L-R: George, Lindsey, Nolan, Tiffany, Keli, Mike, Kevin, Aubrey, JP, Jimmy

In november I received an invite to my friend Michael Palmer's wedding. Mike was one of my close friends in San Jose. He was my home teacher for a while, then we also served as co-chairs on the activities committee in our singles ward. Mike has always been a guy who I can talk to about anything and we used to sit and chat on the phone for hours at a time, even though we also hung out a lot and saw eachother multiple times per week for church functions. So when I got the invite to his wedding in Las Vegas, I couldn't pass up the opportunity to be there.

When I had been in the Almaden 3rd ward for about a year, I had asked my friend Kevin (he was in charge of home teaching assignments) if it was wrong to request "hot" hometeachers. As a single girl I really liked the idea of two attractive men coming to my home to teach me about the gospel. This was sortof a half joke, but then the next week at church Mike approached me to let me know he was going to me my new home teacher. Although Kevin swears he had nothing to do with arranging that for me, from then on, Mike was my Hot hometeacher. Single girls everywhere are shedding a single tear for the falling of one of the hottest.

On to Las Vegas!

Since I am now working for Sheraton, we wanted to take advantage of my hotel benefits. We stayed at the Westin Causarina which is less than a block from the strip. We were within walking distance of all the good hotels and not only did we get a great discount on the rooms, but we also got half price on the breakfast buffet for all 5 of us. SCORE. I headed out for Las Vegas Friday morning and arrived in town at about 3:00 PM. We had gotten two hotel rooms, one for George and Lindsey(married) and one for me, Kevin and Jimmy.

Jimmy's flight didn't land till 4 PM so while we waited for him to arrive at the hotel Kevin and George has an intense game of Checkers on their DS's. Side Note: later in the weekend I played Kevin in my first ever game of DS Darts. I would have won, but had to let Jimmy take over while I got ready for the wedding. I'm still bitter about that loss and know I will win in a rematch. Notice the Wynne hotel in the background of the window? Our view was pretty cool over looking the strip.

Jimmy finally made it! After getting picked up at the airport by Tiffany and Nolan, we weren't sure if he would find his way to our hotel. I ended up having to pick him up from their hotel and bring him home. Sorry for ditching you Jimmy! Jimmy and Kevin were uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed, so I let Jimmy sleep with me. Don't worry, we had a chastity wall of pillows between us! ;)

The first thing we did after we all made it to the hotel was head out to the Rio for dinner. We had heard good things about the buffet so off we went. As we were arriving I started having stomache cramps and feeling like maybe I had food poisoning from a sandwich I had eaten earlier. I was sure it would pass and once I saw all the food I would be hungry again so I paid my $4o to get in. Unfortunately nothing was appetizing to me and I felt sicker and sicker. Halfway through dinner I threw up everything I had eaten that day plus what little I had tried to get down at the buffet. I felt better afterwards but spent the rest of the weekend trying to eat my $40 worth of food I had paid for at the Rio.

This is a picture of George's plate and shells about 4 plates in. He ended up eating 9 plates worth of food I think? I told him that he ate both our $40 worth so I didn't feel so bad about not eating there.

I think Jimmy had at least one more plate after this. Pretty much any time we go on vacation together we find a buffet to eat at. These boys are bottomless pits yet they all stay so skinny!!

Brianne joined us for dinner and hanging out the night before the wedding. She wasn't able to attend the wedding, but didn't want to miss us all getting together. We all have gone our separate ways since the days of the Almaden 3rd ward so it is a rare occasion when we all get to hang out.

Bri's desserts. They had one of the best dessert selection I had ever seen, which made my being sick even worse. I LOVE CHOCOLATE. Thanks Bri for eating my share of desserts for me.

The Rio is where the Chippendales perform so they had posters up. They also had a booth where you could get your picture taken with a couple of them, but you had to pay to do that so we figured this was the next best thing. This guy was my favorite, I love his tattoo!!

After Dinner we walked around to different hotels on the strip. None of us had ever been to the Planet Hollywood hotel so we headed there first. George, Jimmy and Kevin found the Strip House and were immediately drawn to it. See the grins on their faces as they walk out? Sadly it was only a Steak House.

Bri and I waiting patiently for the guys to come out of the Strip House.

Jimmy and I in the casino. What you can't see in the dark is there were dancing girls on platforms all around the tables. This is a new trend in Vegas, so while you gamble, you can also look at pole dancers. How nice.

We broke up the monotany of waiting for the fountain show at the Bellagio with a little break dancing. Jimmy claims he has a bad back or he would have been on the ground ripping it up.

We always tease Jimmy about his asian-ness. He started it! Anyway, we were pretty excited to see Jimmy's uncle on display at the Bellagio. Notice how Kevin is pointing to Jimmy AND the big chinese guy to indicate that they are related. It's always good to get back to your roots. Hey Jimmy, I thought you were Korean, not chinese.

And on to the wedding! The wedding was held at a church building close to the Las Vegas temple. It was nice to get away from the craziness of Vegas to the peace and joy of a church wedding. Both Mike and Keli are Hawaiian so the wedding and reception was filled with Hawaiian music and dancing.

Somehow we ended up at a table right by the speakers and could hardly hear a word anyone was saying over the music.

JP drove from Salt Lake to see all of us. We didn't meet up with him till the wedding, but he was able to hang out with us all afterward and stay in our hotel room that night. It's always fun to see JP!

Awe, what a cute couple. I missed George and Lindsey's wedding a little over a year ago. It's always great to see both of them.

Kevin looks so excited to have his picture taken.

Apparently he was faking it.

The whole crew. We only get to have all of us together at big occasions like weddings, but when we do get together it's always a blast.

JP and I get to see eachother a bit more often then I see the others since his family is from Arizona. He comes down on holidays and we always make it a point to get together.

Mr. and Mrs. Michael K Palmer, right after the ceremony.

She was a beautiful bride and he couldn't stop smiling. Congrats to the happy couple!

After the wedding they had many hawaiian dances. They also had a group come and do a chinese lion dance. The lions open their mouths and you give them money. We all thought the money was going to the happy couple. We found out afterwards that all the money went to the group who did the performance since they were not getting paid to do this event. Those of us who threw down some bucks were kind of mad since we would have only given a dollar or so had we known. Later in the night we were a bit confused when Mike and Keli also did a money dance. Oh well. We'll know next time.

After this, my camera battery died. I am hoping to get some more pictures of later events from Lindsey and Kevin. After the wedding we did more hotel hopping and the next day we hit up Hoover Dam. George thought he was hilarious with all his "dam" jokes, like he is the first person ever to make a "dam" joke at Hoover dam! It was great to get together again with old friends and celebrate. It was so nice to be with close friends again. I am so comfortable around them, they are my 2nd family. Some of my favorite events of the weekend: Raunchy texts from Tiff after picking up Jimmy from her and Nol's hotel; heart to hearts with Jimmy till 3 am in our hotel bed whispering so no one would hear while we laughed and I cried; seeing Mike so happy; making stupid jokes with Kevin laughing so hard I can't even get the joke out without giggling; having my best friends around me when I felt like I couldn't even stand up anymore after talking to Nick.

You guys better all be there for my wedding too!!

Fun stuff to come

2009-02-15T21:59:00.000-08:00

I have been putting off blogging because there has been something heavy weighing on my mind and heart. Unfortunately I have a one track mind and until I could figure out how form in to words what I was feeling I could not put anything else down on paper (computer screen?). Now that those words have been formed and I have gotten them out of my system, it seems right to blog to the public again. Coming up...Las Vegas! I got a new camera (my old one broke) and had some silly photo adventures with a few close friends from San Jose, at the same time, attended a good friend's wedding. The next blog is not to be missed!

PS. The employment situation has seemed to work itself out serendipitously, I talked to my managers at the hotel and they were very sympathetic to my predicament. They offered to keep me on the payroll as a part timer working, at most, one day a week. Mainly they will just bring me in on days when things are particularly busy. This will allow me to keep my sweet hotel discounts and come back to the hotel full time if I absolutely hate working at UoP. Also, I will still be eligible for promotions once I have 6 months to 1 year under my belt. So in the end, I didn't have to choose...and I am thankful for that. The choice was laying heavy on my heart and I am thankful for the burden to be relieved.

Edited to add - The issue I speak of was not the employment worries. Sometimes we think we've moved on, and the Lord presents us with an opportunity to confront our past, even when we really just wish it would go away. I guess it's all a part of the refiners fire?

Seriously, So Blessed!

2009-01-29T19:59:00.000-08:00

HAHA. If anyone reads that blog, good on ya, it's pretty funny. But this one is really seriously, about being so blessed. I've become one of THOSE bloggers. When I had my old blog on myspace most of my posts were biting and sarcastic, all about dry, whitty observations and the like. But I have changed. Does a new attitude mean I don't get to be dry and sarcastic anyomore? I am shedding a single tear for the death of my dark sense of humor. And now, i get to be one of those "happy" people who gushes about how great life is and all the amazing things about her day. It is a rough consequence, but I will take it.

In the last two days I have been lucky enough to have two extended phone calls with two of my best girl friends of all time. I don't talk to either of them that often because I really don't like phone calls (why call when you can text, email, facebook, and blog?) but when I do talk to them we always have great great talks. One friend is in Utah, one friend is in Colorado. One friend has just had something amazing and miraculous happen in her life, the other is going through one of the hardest trials a single girl looking for love can go through in her life. I love both of them immensely. Through talking to both of them, I was shown what kind of selflessness true friendship fosters. I feel so lucky to have such a support system that even if my family fails me (which they never will) I have so many friends around me that I can lean on in hard time and happy times a like. My mother always told me that I have a natural ability to draw good people to me. I have always had the most amazing friends, but I look at it a little differently, I feel like the Lord has blessed me with such an amazing support system. Somehow I got lucky and no matter how much I screw things up in my life, I have my friends to buouy me up. During the time I was unemployed I had so many offers for support, even though I didn't end up needing them, I did not fear, for I knew I was well taken care of.

I have the greatest friends you guys. I feel almost guilty because my friends are better than yours and you deserve to have such awesome friends too. Luckily we can share the love.

J- September 2009 is going to be the BEST MONTH EVER

A- Keep your head up, it will get better with time. I promise. I have been through it before.

Employment update: I am still working at the hotel. I love it SO much. But I have not made my official decision yet on if I will stay there or go to the University of Phoenix. Every day I love working at that hotel more and more, but at UoP I will have a regular set schedule, I will be off by 3 PM and I will make more money. I also was contacted yesterday for a recruiter job in Scottsdale that will pay quite well. I passed the phone interview and I have an in person interview a week from Tuesday. I really don't like feeling so up in the air about this. I think tonight I will focus on being in a job that I enjoy, with a career path,

Hotel Life

2009-01-22T18:21:00.000-08:00

Phew! I have barely had a moment to breathe this week. So far, working at the hotel has been exciting and exhausting. I am loving the time while I am there, however since there are no parking spots available right now, I have been taking the light rail to work every day. This turns what would normally be about a 40 minute commute in to about an hour and a half commute. Many nights I am getting home around 6:30 when I left my house at 7:00 AM. Add this on top of having to be on my feet all day (which I am NOT used to) is making me feel all out of whack. But it's all ok, because the work is so fun! We have had a crazy week with two major conventions that are staying in our hotel. One of them is Mary Kay and they are the sweetest ladies to ever walk this earth. All of them look fabulous, of course, and I have been offered free samples, facials, and countless business cards.

I am still undecided on which job I will ultimately stay at. I do my new hire paperwork with University of Phoenix next week. It's possible I could be happy either way. Oh wait, it's definite I could be happy either way. So this means that I pretty much just need to choose and be happy with my decision. Ahhh, we'll see!

Employment Update

2009-01-14T20:04:00.001-08:00

Wow, this blogging thing is harder to keep up on than I thought!

Well I really have been needing to write about my employment situation. I was laid off in November from my job as a recruiter for Spherion staffing. I started my job search looking for only jobs in recruiting and staffing and then started to branch out when I found that market to be pretty much dried up in this recession.

A little before Christmas I was presented with an opportunity by a friend who knows one of the customer service managers as the new Sheraton Phoenix Downtown Hotel. This hotel opened in September and is the flagship hotel for Sheraton's effort to rebrand themselves as a more upscale luxury hotel chain. It is 31 stories high, has over 1,000 rooms and is now the largest hotel in the metro Phoenix area. I applied for a front desk supervisor position and from the second I stepped foot in the hotel for an interview I knew I wanted to work there. It is BEAUTIFUL. But the fact that it's a nice hotel is not what draws me to it. We all fit in in certain places. What I like so much about the Sheraton is that it is quality and upscale without being pretentious. I really felt at home there where at a more pretentious hotel I would feel very out of place since I am so laid back.

Unfortunately I was not offered the front desk supervisor position. Although I have enough supervisor experience I do not have any hotel experience. So they offered me a front desk agent position with the opportunity to prove myself and be trained to move in to a supervisor role very quickly. The problem is that the pay is very very low.

Then I was presented with another opportunity to work for the University of Phoenix as a Financial Aid Counselor. The pay is very good for the type of work I would be doing plus I would get free tuition (I am a student there). I would be saving a ton of money just by having free tuition alone. However, there were two problems. First it is a call center environment, very strict and micromanaged, the work is very dull and boring as well. The second problem was that they did not have any classes starting till February.

Solution! So I came up with a solution. I would start at the hotel and work there for a month for low pay until I was to start at University of Phoenix. Well I started yesterday at the hotel and I LOVE it. Love it, love it, love it. I never want to leave. Plus my manager took me aside and acknowledged my dissapointment in not being offered the supervisor position and reassured me they still want me for it and will be training me for it so to just keep working hard and I will go far with the company.

So right now I am at the point where I need to make a very difficult decision. I have an opportunity to make more money right now, have school paid for, and time to concentrate on my education. BUT I hate my job and I hate going there every day. Really, everyone I have seen that works there looks like they want to shoot themselves.

OR, I can sacrifice financially for 6 months in a job that is glamorous and that I really love doing. The people there already treat me like family. My managers are amazing and I get freaking awesome travel benefits. BUT I will be dirt poor. Oh I'm so scared to be poor. Well not scared to be poor really, but scared to get back in to debt. I know my spending habits and they will have to change severely. Am I up to the challenge? Long term, I really feel I could have a career in the hotel industry. I also feel like the pay and demotion in rank is a short term sacrifice. It is a product I love and know that I will go far being in an environment that I love. My main concerns are just the pay right now and the lack of free tuition.

By the way, I would stay in school no matter what, so I would not be sacrificing my education, I would just be getting further in to educational debt.

EEEK!!! My practical side is telling me to do one thing, my outgoing, funloving, social side is telling me to do another.

Happy 2009!!!

2009-01-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

This year I am definitely starting out on the right foot. I have such a positive attitude about 2009 and I can't wait to see what comes my way. I'll admit that the end of 2008 was a bit rough, but with a little coaching from my mom and support from my amazing family and friends I have a great attitude about things to come.

The year started out with Amy and Dano, we had a little new years party with the Daytons but everyone left before midnight, so by the time the new year hit, it was just us 3. Which is fine with me. I love hanging out with them and I feel very lucky that we are so close. Not everyone gets to have a brother in law who is more like a brother than an in-law. I used to curse my mother for having Amy and I so close together because we fought so much as kids and teenagers, now she is my best friend and I feel very lucky that we get to be so close.

On the 2nd a few girls and I headed out to Ontario California for my roommate Amber's wedding. Her (now) husband is Samoan so the reception was filled with Samoan dances performed by the men, women, and little kids. My favorite dance was the Haka. It is a New Zealand warrior dance and it is performed before every New Zealand rugby game. The Polynesians at BYU do it before a lot of games and if you saw the movie Forever Strong about the Utah Highland rugby team, it was in there many times. It was really cool to see it performed so up close and personal.

Stephanie and I before the wedding. Extreme Closeup!

Kiffen, Tasha, Me, Stephanie. We all drove out to CA together.

Jessica, Stacey, Carleen and Kiffen. The 3 girls on the left drove there and back on the same day! I don't think they got home till 3 AM. Brave girls.

Me and Amber. This was the best picture we could get. Her dress was so pretty, I wish you could see the skirt part!

The morning of the 3rd we headed back to Utah for another roommates reception that night. Amy and Josh were dating pretty much the whole time I lived with her. She was one of the most beautiful brides I have every seen and I am so happy that she has found the man of her dreams. Oh, and I caught the bouquet! I love weddings and seeing happy people on the happiest day of their lives. I can't wait till my own!

For Christmas Dano gave me a book called The Answer. If you have ever seen The Secret, it is written by the same guys who did that movie, and it is all the about the science behind The Secret.

I am only 3 chapters in but so far I am loving it. The book has mainly a business focus but anyone can use the principles found in it to help them in every aspect of their life. Right now I am focusing on relationship. I have a really strong desire to get married and start a family. For many reasons it hasn't happened yet. For the last few years I have actually been very closed off to the idea. I had been in too many bad situations with men to have a desire to even think about what it would take to get myself ready for a long term relationship. One of my favorite concepts in the book that I have really struggled with is that if you visualize it, it will come true. Visualizing my wedding day is something I have not done for a very long time, but have recently started doing again.

When it comes to visualizing and attracting your dreams to you there are 3 Be's. Be purposeful, Be patient, Be Active. I have really taken these "Be's" to heart and I have found that my whole attitude is changing. I worry and stress less, I know good things are right around the corner. Why? Because I have seen them in my mind. Before I am going to find a man, I need to go where the men are (be active). When I am there, I need to meet those men somehow, so I am friendly, outgoing, and conversational (be purposeful). I also understand that I am not going to fall in love right away, it takes time to meet someone, develop a friendship and see where that friendship goes. I can't get frustrated if I don't meet the man of my dreams at the first activity I go to RIGHTNOW (be patient). These 3 "be's" have helped me have a great time at every activity I have attended, even though I haven't met anyone yet, I am really enjoying myself.

I know a few of you know I have struggled in my life with depression. Sometimes it has been very severe, sometimes it has been manageable. Almost all the time even when I have put on a big smile on the outside, inside I was screaming "Help! I'm not ok!" One of the biggest blessings I have found since I moved to Arizona is the feeling that I am ok, and that feeling just keeps getting better.

Well now that I have rambled on for pages and pages I guess I will give my job update in the next post. I am very grateful for the friends and family that I have and for the opportunity to have a divine 2009!!!

I have the cutest nephews

2009-01-02T07:30:00.000-08:00

Last night I got to babysit Noah. He is one year old tomorrow! He's the cutest little playful thing. He loves to crawl around and growl as he's crawling. He thinks he's so ferocious! But really he is just a sweet little thing . He was such a good boy. We played till it was bed time. I can tell when he's getting tired because mid crawl he will just lay flat and put his head in his arms for a bit then get up and start crawling again. So I made him a bottle and took him upstairs to get ready for bed. The whole time he was drinking his bottle he had this intense stare and just kept eye contact with me the whole time. He's so good at eye contact and really enjoys interaction and being social. For Christmas we had all of the Sorensens (except scott) here and then for New Years the Daytons came down. Noah was so cheerful and happy to have all the people around. I could tell he really liked it.

As soon as the Sorensens got here we high tailed it over to Costa Vida, our favorite restaurant. Little Noey and Isaak were the center of attention

He really hates the flash. Otherwise he loves getting his picture taken and give us big smiles! Oh, and he's a drooler, can you tell?

What I'm looking for in a dude

2008-12-31T10:23:00.000-08:00

You don't have to be rich to be my girl (boy)

Don't have to be cool, to rule my world

Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatable with

I just want your extra time and your....Kiss.

Midsingles FHE Revisited

2008-12-29T21:08:00.000-08:00

I was pretty sick last week so I didn't get to attend the Midsingles FHE, so I decided to Make up for it this week. The guy who had caught my eye last time wasn't there, I'm just going to have to go back again, just in case he shows up again. I got the feeling he was one of those guys who if they don't have to give the lesson or something, they won't show up. Which is perfect, I love me some aloof and apathetic about all things religious men!

So I didn't get to flirt, but I did get to be the youngest one there, which at my age in this church is pretty rare. Also we got to have pizza and ribs. So since last time I took a picture of the empty plate of cookies you all wish you could have, this time I actually took a picture of the ribs. MMMMM... They were so good.

Tomorrow is my meeting with HR at the Sheraton Hotel. They have offered me a Front Desk Agent position which I think will be TOTALLY fun, except that it will barely pay the bills. I applied for the Front Desk Supervisor position which they have said I can have in 6 months, but then I redid my resume and presented to them why I think I could do it now, so I am saving one more glimmer of hope for that job. We'll see! Either way, this new hotel in downtown Phoenix is 31 stories high and BEAUTIFUL. I want to live there and have a show like Zack and Cody. No, I am not too old to watch the Disney Channel. TYVM. At any rate, I would be so excited to get to go to work in this hotel every day.

Christmas

2008-12-26T07:30:00.001-08:00

I took no pictures this year because I was laid out on the couch with a fever of 101. So I decided to upload a few pictures from the Christmas eve Sorensen photo shoot 07.

My brother Scott and I get to see eachother about once a year. We were pretty happy to be hanging out again.

My noodles! We were laughing and giggling so much that night he kept forgetting that he had a box of noodles sitting in the microwave for him for like an hour. He kept saying "oh yeah! My noodles!" then he'd get distracted again by all our silliness.

Liz was trying to sleep and we really didn't want to let her.

We are so rock and roll. Actually he looks pretty rock and roll, I just kindof look like I have a papercut on my tongue or something.

We are so awesome. These are our blue steel faces.

Christmas 2008:

My parents came with Paul and Liz and Jed flew in as well. We had an AMAZING Christmas feast on Christmas eve and just enjoyed spending time together. We all did the traditional open 1 gift that night and then it was off to bed (9 PM for me since I was so sick).

Christmas morning was pretty great, my fever had gone down and it was Isaak's first year to have Santa Clause come. He was so excited about it and was talking about it all day Christmas Eve. Santa brought him and Noah some great toys and they both kept wanting to play with the other's toys but not wanting to share their own. The big hit was a train from their Nana and Pots. Isaak was very good at being patient and giving everyone a turn to open presents 1 at a time (that's how we do it in our house). Then the rest of the day was spent playing with our gifts! I kind of like having Christmas here in Arizona because we don't have any extended family we feel we have to go visit. We all just get to hang out at Amy and Dano's house all day playing games and being together as a family.

Last night we got to do a video chat with Scott in New York. We were all so bummed that he didn't make it to Christmas this year. Christmas eve we had gotten out old home movies and little Scotty was so cute!!

It was a great Christmas and it was fun to spend it with family. Here's to everything great about 2008!

I need your positive vibes

2008-12-21T22:29:00.000-08:00

One of our roommates who we'll call Meah has moved out without finding a replacement roommate and handily informed us that she will be breaking her lease. This puts us in a huge bind to cover her rent for January and we all know that I am pretty poor right now as it is. So what I am asking of you my friends is that you put out your feelers for single girls looking for a place to live in Gilbert Arizona. The house is awesome, the roommates are awesome, and rent is super cheap. If you know anyone and want details, send me a comment. There are 3 fairly righteous girls who live here who have been praying their guts out about this so we could use all the help we can get.

I feel this way sometimes

2008-12-20T11:08:00.001-08:00

Let's go play in the rain!

2008-12-20T10:43:00.000-08:00

Since I have been spending my days at home I have had a lot of time to go over to Amy and Dano's house. To Isaak, me coming over means it's play time. Like I'm only there to see him. He's always coming up with fun games for us to play or adventures to go on. The other day we had our first major rain of the winter. The second I walked in the door Isaak wanted to go for a walk to the park. When I told him we couldn't because it was raining out he just said "it's ok, we will get our jackets on and they will keep us nice and warm." So we waited for the heaviest rain to pass and then headed out for our rainy adventure.

We didn't get very far before I said "wait! I need my camera!" Isaak is always so willing to be my model.

We ran almost the whole way to the park. He was running so fast his shoe fell off and he fell over, but he just put it right back on and kept running! I noticed a little later a scrape on his hand, he didn't even act like it hurt or anything.

Ok, in this picture it looks like he's pretty sick of me taking his picture, but really he was telling me all about how if we stay under the awning of the picnic area we will stay nice and warm.

This little fort was his makeshift icecream shop. This was another place that would keep us nice and warm but I would not fit in there.

Look at me! I'm so big!

Isaak is making me Icecream and water here. For a kid so obsessed with being 'nice and warm' I don't know why he was making us ice cream. Brrrr!

We were the only kids at the playground, but he still wanted to do everything. He wanted to play on the slides and the swing but when I showed him how they would get his bum wet he changed his mind.

Pretty soon it started raining pretty hard again, as we ran back to the house he kept covering his face and screaming "oh no! I'm getting all wet!" But he was giggling and splashing in the puddles at the same time. This kid loves being outside no matter the weather.

I love being an aunt. I love it when Isaak or Noah look at me with those big doe eyes and cute smiles. I love spending time with them and getting to be a role in their development. I love when Isaak sits next to me and says "I really love you aufrey". Not having a job right now just reminds me that being an aunt is the best job in the world! Nothing compares.

Now hows that for cheesy?

Michelle Evans Sallay

2008-12-16T08:36:00.000-08:00

In my last blog I got a comment from an old friend, Michelle Evans Sallay. Of course when I knew her she was just Michelle Evans. Becoming friends with her on Facebook and now getting to read her blog about her and her adorable baby Stella has got me thinking about old times. I have a lot of bad memories from my childhood, but the ones with Michelle are all good. She moved in to our neighborhood when we were in 3rd grade and her creative imagination kept us entertained all throughout elementary school.

Top Left: Michelle Evans

Top Right: Me before I had my hideous moles removed

Bottom: Ashley Evans

Some of my favorite memories with Michelle

Sliding down the stairs in sleeping bags till her mom got mad and made us stop
Making up dances to Mickey by Toni Basil. Oh Mickey your so fine...
Playing dress up in clothes from her dads antique store
Making up plays and putting them on for Tyler and Ashley
Getting to watch MTV at her house. It was banned at my house and I am pretty sure this helped foster my obsession with music videos and the Real World/Road Rules challenges (they weren't on when I was a kid, but I am obsessed with them now).
Playing old 45's on her record player
Setting up shop and selling things from the Oriental Trading Company in her dad's antique store.
Ok this one's not so happy, but I will never forget the night a week or so before Christmas, Michelle and her sister Ashley came pounding on our door and telling us the house behind them was on fire. We went out to see thinking we'd just see some smoke, but the whole house was engulfed in a giant fireball. The guy had torched his house with like 13 cans of gasoline. My mom rushed over to help Michelle's dad spray down their house with water. We were sure it was going to go up too since it was built with all wood siding. Thankfully their house was fine.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks Michelle for all the happy memories. You made my childhood a more fun and adventerous one! I was wracking my brain trying to think of more adventures we had because I'm sure there are,so if you can think of more, feel free to add to this list!

Midsingles FHE

2008-12-15T21:56:00.000-08:00

I came to the realization about 2 years ago that I. AM.........AHHH I can't say it.....ok ok.... a midsingle. I keed I keed. It's not that hard for me to say. Especially since when I left Utah at age 24 I thought I was already an old maid. Don't worry, I was cured of that ridiculous notion and do not have issues with my age any longer. Thanks Therapy!! I had no idea there were hundreds (maybe thousands?) of midisingles all across the US! Anyway, at 29 I feel too young to hang out to the designated 31-101 LDS singles crowd, but way too old to hang with the YSA's (did I mention the 23 year old cutie I sat next to at the last YSA activity I went to?) So lately there has been this new trend of forming midsingles groups. I went to a Midsingles conference in Huntington Beach in April and ended up dating a guy I met there for about 3 months. So far, the midsingles have been good to me!

Anyway anyway, on to my story. They are trying to get a good midsingles group going here in AZ, and when my ward was dissolved in August a guy kindof took it upon himself to hold a midsingles FHE at his house each week. Tonight I decided to attend (don't ask me why it took me from August till now to decide that). We made cookies. I helped make the no bake haystack cookies. You know the kind with the oatmeal and the peanut butter and the cocoa? OMG. De.Lish. So yummy in fact that I thought of taking pictures of them for you, but I ate them so quickly I only have this picture of an empty plate. How sad for you that you don't get to see my cookies. Actually, looking at this picture makes ME sad because I really want some more cookies.

There was a pretty good turn out with a guy who may have caught my eye. We didn't get to chat much so I guess I'll just have to go back next week. :)

The night of 4 Parties

2008-12-13T23:47:00.001-08:00

4 parties!! So tonight my roommate and I decided to hit up all the holiday parties we'd been invited to. We figured that at least one of the parties there would be some interesting guys to talk to. Unfortunately that was not the case.

The first party was the Pioneer Ward Christmas party. Our table consisted of 6 girls and one guy. And he was on a date with one of the girls. Actually they were on a blind date, and I spent most of the time eavesdropping on their awkward first date conversation. That was pretty entertaining. I acutally thought he was pretty cute and would be a guy I would be interested in going out with, then I found out he was 23. Oh to be young again.

The second party consisted mostly of members of my old singles ward. It was fun to see old friends, but no love connections there. Oh and for my white elephant gift I got a candle that was like cranberry pachouli or something horrifying like that. I thought it would be pretty hard to make a candle that smelled horrible, but it was accomplished with this candle. I'll be regifting that one for the next white elephant party THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

The 3rd party we were at for about 10 minutes before someone busted out the christmas songs at the piano. Flashbacks from my high school days sitting around the piano on Friday nights singing hymns will be giving me nightmares for evenings to come. Had to leave that one.

The 4th party was at Dave and Busters. Allison and I played skiball and Wheel of Fortune all night and won enough tickets to get ourselves a D&B glass. SCORE.

So that was our night, no love connections, but we got a cup so that's pretty cool. There's always next weekend!

See, I did go on a mission...I'm mean, to some missions.

2008-12-13T15:06:00.000-08:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost a week since I blogged last. I've had these pictures uploaded for a while but knowing this would be another long post I have been putting off this "project" of blogging about the San Antonio Missions. The San Antonio Missions and the Alamo were my FAVORITE part about San Antonio. I spent a whole day and drove from mission to mission and I didn't even see them all. I think I am missing one or two of them. Anyway, the San Antonio area was settled along the Santa Anna River by catholics who built these missions to help modernize the indians. They were run by Catholic monks but mostly inhabited by the Native Americans who lived there to learn how to cook and sew and farm. The central focus was usually the cathedral and then the compound would be surrounded with living quarters and a yard in the middle. Later they were used as forts in the battles against Mexico. But enough of a history lesson! On to the pictures!

Mission San Jose was my favorite mission. Yes, even over the Alamo. I took the most pictures here and spent the most time here.

This is a far away view of the cathedral. I found out that all of the chapels in the missions are still being used today for Catholic services. Wouldn't it be fun to go to church in a building this old! The history!

This is a door to one of the living quarters on the compound. Most of them were locked, probably used for storage, but they had a couple that you could go in.

This is a small courtyard next to the cathedral. I am working on my visual photography so I was trying to get some cool angles and shots. Every hour and half hour the bell rang in the high tower.

It was amazing to me how old these statues are. Many of them were crumbling and many of the insets were empty where statues used to be. Some of them have bullet holes from battles that took place, I think they did a good job of restoring things while keeping them their original condition.

This was just above the cathedral doors.

Behind the church there was an acqueduct and acequia. I kept thinking that if I lived in San Antonio this would be a fun place to take bridals or engagement pictures.

Mission Espada was next on my list.

Oh Wow, a picture of me! This proves I was actually there! I met a nice family who started asking me about trees and what kinds were planted in the yard. I know nothing about trees and I'm not sure why they would think I do. I guess they assumed that someone who was there by herself had to be a local, otherwise she would be with family or friends, right? Anyway, I asked them to take my picture so I could prove I was acutally physically there.

The living quarters next to the cathedral at Mission Espada had been completely renovated and are still occupied by Catholic Monks. They, of course, did not let you tour their quarters, but they kep up the gardens outside beautifully and encouraged people to take pictures.

I didn't actually get to go inside this chapel, but I loved the 3 bells on the outside. They were also playing chant music or monk music or whatever they call it. At first I thought it was coming from inside the church and they were having a concert or something. They sounded so good! Then I noticed there were speakers attached to the outside and around the grounds and it was just a cd.

Mission Concepcion was the most dilapidated of all the missions. There really were no more outer walls to the compound and all that was left standing was the cathedral.

Although the outer walls were destroyed, the inside of the cathedral was the best preserved from what it used to be. They had many parts where you could still see the paintings that were on the walls when it was first built. This one ran along the ceiling in one room.

And now we are at the Alamo! I did the Alamo on a separate day. It was PACKED. And I'm pretty sure it was the off season too.

I did a guided tour with headphones that was put on by The Discovery Channel. It was very informative and taught me lots of things I didn't know about the Alamo. Like did you know that hump on top of the alamo was put there later by people restoring it? Yeah, the hump was not there during the battle.

This was a window to some slave quarters next to the Alamo. Back in the early 1900's the city of San Antonio wanted to tear it down since it was smack dab in the middle of downtown and they wanted to make way for big new office buildings. Well there was one woman who was not happy about that and locked herself in these slave quarters till the city agreed to make it a historical monument. She saved the Alamo!

While the grounds were pretty, the Alamo itself was pretty anticlimactic. However, while you are there, you can definitely feel a certain solemnity on the grounds. You feel the history all around you. In fact, I had this feeling while visiting all the missions. I could definitely feel like I was standing on holy ground. It was similar to the feelings I got when I was at the sacred grove.

Well that's it! If you are ever in San Antonio I would say that the Missions are a DO NOT MISS.

I am finally done blogging about my crazy road trip. Up ahead...Job hunting and Christmas!

And I would drive 3440 miles: Road Trip 08 Pt 1

2008-12-08T11:08:00.001-08:00

On October 31st I was informed that I was to be laid off from my job. Happy Halloween!!! I was given a two week notice and a severance package but was left a little confused as to what to do next. I really enjoy recruiting, but I know I need a few more years of experience and a college degree or two before I can really get the recruiting job I want. So I started job hunting. A little before that I had met a guy online through LDSSingles.com. Everyone keeps telling me that online dating is the way to go these days. I've never had much luck but I thought I'd try it just one more time. This guy and I had great chemistry over the phone but he lives in San Antonio Texas. So I thought while I was out of work, I might as well go meet him and see if there is any connection in person. This lead to a grand idea of mine. Why not go see all my friends in the Western U.S.? I have a car, I have time, I have people to see, Road Trip!!!! I packed up the car, took my laptop and cell with me so I could job hunt on the road and I was off! Over the course of 12 days I was in 4 states, drove 3440 miles and visited lots of friend. Unfortunately I didn't find a love connection in Texas, but San Antonio was beautiful and had SO many things to do.

Because I was going cheap on this trip I packed a cooler full of ice and food and a bag full of snacks. I hit up Sprouts to get lots of healthy treats because I knew I would be spending a lot of time in the car and wouldn't have much opportunity to get excercise. My favorite were the Barbara's brand Animal Cookies. They were made with oats and grains and evaporated cane juice and they tasted WAY better than any other animal cookies i'd ever had.

The odometer on my car read 78,009 the morning I left. I took a picture to remind myself to calculate just how far I would go!

This guy was at a rest stop in New Mexico. I thought he was really cool looking! I pulled in this gas station about 5 miles before Las Cruces because I was on empty. When I got to Las Cruces I found out that gas was 50 cents cheaper in once you get in to town! Grrr. I guess I should have waited but I was afraid I was going to run out while I was driving. OH well.

This guy was also at the gas station I stopped at. It was kind of in the middle of now where but just had these signs and statues all laying around. It was good practice for my still life photos. I'm trying to get better!

On my way again. I was so excited to be on the road. I had never driven in this part of the country before so everything was new to me. It was so fun to check everything out. In this picture I'm smiling, but about a half hour later and less than 100 miles in to Texas I got pulled over. Apparently it's illegal there to be in the left lane unless you are passing. Luckily the cop did not give me a ticket, but he did give me a warning. When he asked me if I had any questions I replied with "yeah, any other WEIRD Texas laws I need to know about?" He just looked at me and laughed and told me there was a whole book of em. Oh well, my at least my unemployed butt didn't get a ticket. I made sure to drive no more than 5 over the speed limit my whole trip!

San Antonio had so many cool things to do. My friend had to work during the day for every day I was there, so I went and saw a lot of the sights myself. I spent most of my time at the different Missions and the Alamo. I will post my adventures for those in a later blog because I took SO many pictures. It was my favorite part of all of San Antonio. But for now you will get to see a few of the other things I did when I was there.

The San Antonio Temple was dedicated in 2005. There was no visitors center so I just spent some time walking around the grounds and taking pictures and pondering. I kind of like these three because it looks like the Angel Moroni is trumpeting and the dark clouds are departing making way for the sunshine.

Me in front of a pretty stain glass window.

One of the nights I was there my friend Cody took me out to the Riverwalk. Every time I told people I was going to San Antonio the Riverwalk was the first thing they mentioned. Well it lived up to the hype. I didn't get any pictures but I'm not sure pictures could capture it. It was a very pretty and romantic setting. One day when I'm rich I would love to stay in a hotel along the river and spend some time down there. That same night we walked around downtown over to the Hemisfair Plaza. San Antonio has the Tower of America that is very similar to the Space Needle. I am pretty scared of heights (thanks mom) and wouldn't dare go up in it, but I took some pictures from down below. It's just so tall and skinny I was afraid that a gust of wind was going to come along and blow it over.

After San Antonio I had to get myself to SLC for Thanksgiving. It is a 22 hour drive so I knew I would have to take 2 days to do it. For just two hours more driving I could go through Denver and see my close friend Amber. I took two days to get to Denver and went up through Lubbock, Amarillo and Colorado Springs. The drive through Texas was SO long and there wasn't much to look at but oil rigs and fields. Anyone ever seen the movie Happy, Texas? Well the town exists. I kind of want to live there because I feel like they probably all have no choice to be happy there. Don't you think?

I spent just a short time in Denver, (didn't get any pictures??? Stupid!) and had a great time with Amber. She has been going through a rough time so we spent some really really good girl time just talking and helping her figure things out. I only spent one night there and early in the morning I headed out to SLC. To take HWY 70 from Denver to SLC is only about 45 minutes longer than HWY 80 but SO much prettier. As soon as you get out of Denver you are in the beautiful rocky mountains and surrounded by trendy mountain towns such as Vail and Aspen. I tried to take some pictures from the driver's seat but looking through my camera lense and at the windy road all at the same time proved to be a bit of a task.

Within a few hours I was back in the desert again, weird. This is the sign telling me I was now leaving Colorado...

...and entering Utah!!!

I was able to coordinate my trip to Utah with Thanksgiving. My parents headed up from St George and we all stayed with some old friends, The Steeds. The Steeds were kind enough to house us Sorensen orphans for Turkey and Thankfulness day. Emphasis on the FULNESS! The food was amazing and we were all so stuffed that we walked around like zombies complaining that our tummies hurt for the rest of the day.

One of the nights I was there I also got to stay with my Besties Jen and Zach. I love those two so much and I got spoiled this year in that I got to see them 3 times with the last two being only a month apart. Jen is trying to get me to move back to SLC and for the first time since I moved away I wasn't totally repulsed by the idea. I know I have a lot of great friends and family in Utah and it would be fun to be near them again. We'll see where the Lord takes me and where I find new employment. I'm open to whatever happens right now!! Jen and Zach took me to dinner at our favorite Mexican spot in Sandy, Rafaels. Yum! Then Jen and I spent the evening developing my blog and then we all watched Baby Mama. For some reason I didn't take pictures of us together, but I did get their dog JJ dressed in his doggiesanta outfit. My friends dogs are the cutest!!!

The saturday after Thanskgiving my mom, Liz, and I went to the Body Worlds exibit on display in SLC. I have been wanting to see this for a few years so when my mom asked me if I wanted to go with her and Liz I jumped at the chance! Very cool, very educational, and such an eye opener to the intricacies of the human body. It wasn't nearly as morbid as I thought it would be and didn't really feel like I was looking at real dead bodies. I reccomend it for anyone and everyone.

After the exibit we went to lunch with Jami Marsh. Jami is a cousin who isn't really a cousin, who is the best fake cousin EVER. About 8 years ago our families had a falling out and we were kicked out of the family (they were an adoptive family) anyway... long story short, Jami and I found eachother on Myspace about 3 years ago and now we try to get together as often as possible without the other family members knowing it. Thanks James for keeping us in the fam!

Liz, me, Jami

Me and my Biz

Saturday night my mom and I drove back down to St George where I stayed for the next two nights. My favorite part about staying with my parents in St George (besides seeing them and my brother) is being in their amazing house and yard. I truly feel like I am relaxing at a resort whenever I stay there. My dad has done a great job designing the back yard and pool area. As soon as we drove in I hopped in my suit and jumped in the hot tub at the top of the hill. Their yard shares a property line with a turtle preserve so sitting in the hot tub all you can see are stars and red rock all around you. It is definitely a sanctuary. I was not ready to leave!

I had to head home Monday because I had an interview on Tuesday (I didn't get the job) So after all that driving I just had a short 7 hour drive back to Gilbert. My odometer read 81,449. I had gone exactly 3,440 miles.

I had a lot of time to do some great thinking and self reflection as well as got to see some great friends and family. I feel so lucky that so many people were there to take me in. Now that I am back it is time to get back to the grindstone and continue my job hunt. So far I don't have any more open prospects but I am still applying for jobs every day. It's rough, but at least I had an adventure!

The out-of-work blues

2008-12-04T09:40:00.001-08:00

Many of you know that I was laid off from my job a few weeks ago. I have been trying to keep a positive mental attitude and I know that something is right around the corner, but last night the pressure kind of got to me. I'm not feeling much better this morning. That's why I have decided that while I am out of work I need to be helping others who are less fortunate than I (and let's face it, who isn't?) That was a little joke from Wicked. Tell me you all got it because I promise I am not as concieted as Glinda. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. If anyone knows of any good places to volunteer for the holidays or good ideas that they have where they have had the opportunity to serve, let me know.

Also, if anyone knows anyone who is hiring, I have a resume I can email to you in a flash. I am a recruiter by experience but I also have done some administrative work. I love working with people and am going to school for Psychology. I am a hard worker and I will jump on any task put before me. My old boss used to call me a "project" person because he knew that if a project was set before me I set my focus on it and got it done faster than most could.

Disneyland!!

2008-12-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

In October my parents invited me on their "big kids only" Disneyland trip. They went with some close family friends that we have known for over 20 years. They didn't want to leave my 17 year old brother home alone especially with his steady girlfriend, so they asked me along to keep him company. I took TONS of pictures, but I noticed that most of them are of Paul and I making stupid faces at the camera. I weeded through most of those to find the best ones and post them here. Of course I kept in some of the silly faces because, well, they are fun!

This is Paul and I before Disneyland. Notice the frowns and meloncholy eyes. It must be really hard being us.

And this is after Disneyland! Notice that there is happiness and joy brought back to our faces. Disneyland could cure cancer! Or something. Pay no attention to the fact that we are in the same outfits in the same seat as the previous pictures, These two pictures were indeed taken at separate times. Literally seconds apart, or something.

Disneyland was decorated for Halloween. I had never been there during Halloween time and it was fun to see all the decorations!

Paul and Dad in front of the Matterhorn. (Crazy video to come later, you won't be disappointed)

Mom and I in front of Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. Small, short story: When I was about 15 we went to Disneyland with my cousins and They really had a hard time saying the name of this roller coaster. The whole time it usually came out something like Big Railroad Mountain Thunder, or Thunder Big Mountain. Either way, it was the wildest ride in the wilderness! And when you read that phrase, you need to read it in a deep southern cowboy accent like my Dad and Ray Fenlon were saying it EVERY 15 seconds.

This is a really scary Tiger

Oh no! A really scary tiger! But not to worry. I fought him off and I am OK.

A pumpkin scarecrow in front of The haunted mansion. The haunted mansion was all decorated like the Nightmare Before Christmas. They even changed the whole inside of the ride. This was one of my favorite things to see on this trip. Having been to Disneyland so many times in my life it's always fun to see them change things up!

The letters for California Adventure were pained like candy corns, and then the whole park was decorated with candy corns and other Halloween treats. They closed the park early so guests could pay an extra $40 and go trick or treating in the park.

My feet hurt so bad, I think I was looking a little beastly here. What do you think?

Paul's true home is the sea.

You gotta kiss a few frogs! He didn't turn in to a prince, but I'm hoping my prince charming is out there somewhere.

Day two: Before Disneyland

After Disneyland! Now you would think that our faces would be sad because day two was our last day and our feet hurt SO bad. But for some reason, we just couldn't stop smiling!

This trip I got to do a lot of stuff that I had never done before or at least hadn't done in a really long time. One of those things was going on the Casey Jr. Circus train. Of course my dad had to sing the song to me. The gardens around the track are so pretty! I also did the canoe's with Pam and Ray. If you want to get a work out in, do the canoe's! You gotta work! My favorite thing I did that I had never done before was the new Toy Story Ride. The theming is amazing! Plus, it's a ride that's a game!

And here we are to the video as promised. Now I will ask you kindly for the sake of my embarrassment to please turn your sound off. I think I was fake screaming the whole time to be stupid and now I watch the video back and realize that it was horribly annoying. And now...If you've ever wondered what you look like when you go on a rollercoaster...

3 year olds playing soccer

2008-11-30T20:59:00.000-08:00

If you are ever bored on a Saturday, I say the best way to entertain yourself is by watching 3 year olds play soccer. One kid is standing on the sidelines picking his nose, another is sitting with his mommy crying, and everyone else is crowded around the ball. There are lots of goals made, and it doesn't really matter what side you kick it to. Then there's always the breakout kid. He gets the ball away from everyone else and just keeps kicking, past the blockers, past the goalie, past the goal...and beyond! Then all the coaches have to yell "stop stop! Come back!" and the poor little kid is still thinking "wow! Look how far ahead of the other kids I am" Oblivious to the fact that he is kicking the ball into the softball game on the field next door. I wish I was 3 again. Oh, and the are adorably cute, no matter what.

Edvidence:

Welcome to my blog!

2008-11-30T19:15:00.000-08:00

So for my first post I thought I'd transfer some of my old posts from my Myspace blog. Just so people would have something to read until I have something else to write about. I didn't use many pictues in my old blog but I am hoping to change that here since I know that pictures make blogs much more interesting. Anyway, I didn't include all my old blogs here, just some of the ones I thought were funniest or most profound. Enjoy!

Aubs

This is a blog I wrote the night I got the prompting that it was time for me to go through the temple. A pretty important decision that turned out to be one of the most beneficial one's i've made in my life.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Changes

I have been sensing that big changes in my life would be on the horizon. It's interesting that the Lord works in mysterious ways. The change that may be coming into my life soon was not one that I expected. I knew that if I did certain things blessings would come, but it wasn't the blessing I expected. However, it is something greater. It's funny how that works. I love my life. However fragmented, crazy, emotional it may be. It's mine, I own it. It is slowly becoming something I am proud of and never want to give up.

Some funny musings from my wacked out brain

Saturday, October 29, 2005

If i look like crap it's because I feel like crap
Current mood: nauseated

I think it's pretty standard that if you are barfing, you are sick (or hungover) but in my opinion, feeling like you need to barf is worse than the actual barfing. I have felt like i needed to barf for the last 5 hours. SO therefore, consequentially, I think I officially qualify as sick. Even though the barf has not actually left my stomach.

I went to Trader Joes tonight and I told the cashier girl to have a nice night and then she decided she needed to one up me with "have a nice halloween" Then I remembered when I worked in retail and I would get all hurt if the customer told me to have a nice day first. It was like they were trying to do my job for me or something. NO! YOU have a nice day! My job is customer service and DAMMIT I am going to give you good customer service. Thanks and have a nice day.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

T-sizzle Thankgizzle! and No Tofurkey were harmed in this years Sorensen family thankgsgiving

Oh Snap! I've been hanging out with Dano too much. I think my sister and brother-in-law have come together to make what is quite possibly the cutest kid on the planet. My fam is in town for Thanksgiving and it has been really nice to have them here. This is the first time I have seen little Isaak since he was born and I have to say that I am even more in love with that kid. He is the most happy go lucky kid i've ever seen. He loves meeting new people too. Even though he coudn't remember me, he went straight to me and has let me hold him all i want. He smiles, he laughs, he stands on his own two feet! What a precious kid. My favorite "trick" he does is when he talks to himself when you put him in front of a mirror. He won't talk to the rest of us, but show him another really really really ridiculously handsome baby that oddly looks like him....he'll talk non-stop...it's like...we understand eachother man. I wonder what they talk about?

Friday, December 02, 2005

Hey that's MY name!
Current mood: mischievous

So i came across another myspace user with the name of Aubrey. Actually this has happened to me several times since I tend to browse myspace when I am bored at work and that happens A LOT. Anyway. I come across these profiles and in a weird sort of way I feel like it is just me living another life. She has my name, she is skinny, and beautiful, or slutty, or fat, or naked or something like that. And I think that we are all so closely connected, the Aubrey's of the world. I know many people share names with many people, I just feel like since mine is so uncommon I find it so weird when I see someone with the same name. So there are many "little" aubrey's running around out there. And maybe some day when this life is over we will all join back together to make one giant "super" aubrey and combine all of the experiences we had here on earth together to become an evil (or good, depending on the majority of choices the aubreys made) overlord of heaven or something like that.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

SHHH!!!

I just got yelled(whispered) at by the librarian for being on my cell phone.

5 reasons why it should be ok for me to use my cell phone in the library near the computers:

5: Typing is noisy

4: I needed information about the tickets I was buying.

3: I have heard other people use their cell phones at the library before

2: She was making more noise than me while helping people find a computer that worked because they are all crashing here.

1: I feel the need to justify myself with 5 reasons because typically i HATE people like me who use their cell phones in totally inappropriate places.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Why were you late to work today?

I was doing so good.

Got up early.

Showered.

Ironed clothes.

Didn't even have to rush.

Left on time.

Wow, this monday is going really well!

10 minutes into my commute I realize I'm not wearing a bra.

I'm totally that weird kid I knew in 4th grade who came to school once and realized he had forgotten to wear a shirt underneath his snow parka. Karma is a bitch isn't it? I really hope Warren is more succesful in life than all of us punks who made fun of him the rest of our elementary school days.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Why were you late to work today?

I was doing so good.

Got up early.

Showered.

Ironed clothes.

Didn't even have to rush.

Left on time.

Wow, this monday is going really well!

10 minutes into my commute I realize I'm not wearing a bra.

I added this one in here because it was one of the more profound moments of my life. Moving to Arizona was a really hard decision but one of the best ones I have made.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I tell you what we're gonna do, you will shelter me and I will shelter you.

Sometime we have an idea of where our life is going to go. We plan it out perfectly. We envision it in our minds and in our hearts. We work, we strive, we sweat, we cry, we pray, we pray we pray. Then the Lord steps in, and he takes us in a direction that was never in the plan.

It looks like I am going to be moving to Arizona soon. It's not calling to me, I don't feel like i'm "supposed" to be there for any particular reason other than that I really want to be close to my sister and my adorable nephew. I visited this last week and I didn't think it was anyplace special. But I knew in my heart that it was the right decision. So I am going to do it.

This has been a very difficult decison for me to make. From the moment I moved to California I knew in my heart that it was home. I knew I wanted to live here for the rest of my life. For a while I grew, learned, matured and progessed physically, spiritually and mentally. That growth has been stunted mostly by my own doing and I feel like it will be good to get away for a while. I hope and pray that someday I get to realize my dreams and that Arizona is just a detour.

I am hoping to stay in CA at least till the end of summer so every body better hit me up so we can party before I go!

Two of my favorite quotes from an interesting book I once read. I try to remember these when I am feeling judgemental.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

The key to understanding people

We observe a woman who is fiercely hostile and independant some of the time but passive, dependant and feminine on other occasions, our reducing valve ususally makes us choose between the two syndromes. We decide that one pattern is in the service of the other, or that both are in the service of a third motive. She must be a really castrating lady with a facade of passivity - or perhaps she is a warm passive-dependant woman with a surface defense of aggresiveness. But perhaps nature is bigger than our concepts and it is possible for the lady to be a hostile, fiercely independant, passive, dependant, feminine, aggressive, warm, castrating, person all-in-one. Of course which of these she is at any particular moment is not random or capricious - it would depend on who she is with, when, how, and much much more. But each of these aspects of herself may be a quite genuine and real aspect of her being.

--Psychologist Walter Mischel

Character, then, isn't what we think it is, or, rather, what we want it to be.

--Malcolm Gladwell