Thoughts on Happiness

I used to think that happiness came from getting what you want in life. I thought it came from blessings, or finding the love of your life, or getting your dream job, or from your amazing kids, friends, toys, etc. While all of those things are great, I do not believe that any single one of them will bring happiness. NOTHING will bring happiness. Through many trials and bouts of sadness I have yearned to find the secret to being happy. My life has been tremendously blessed from the moment I was brought in to this world, however happiness eluded me. It escaped my grasp until I figured out that I could take joy in my life, no matter what I had or didn't have. Happiness is a choice that can never be taken away or given to me.

I have also learned that to be a happy person it is ESSENTIAL to not be happy all the time. 2nd Nephi 2:11 says "For it must needs be, that there is an aopposition in all things. If not so, my first-born in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility"
This means that it is necessary for there to be opposition in happiness too. We must feel pain and sorrow and sadness to truly appreciate what it feels like to be sad. But not just once, or even a few times at the beginning of our life, we need to experience these emotions often to truly feel the happiness when we choose to feel it. I used to be so afraid of being sad. So afraid of it that it truly was all I felt. because sadness was what I focused on so much, I could not allow any other emotions into my heart. Instead of fear them, I embrace my horrible days. For when I embrace them they change from horrible days, to horrible moments and I can then move on to the next emotion.

I went to a fireside given by Sister Oaks today. It was for a single adult conference and she addressed our singleness by saying it was not an accident that we are single at this time. We are exactly in the place where the lord would have us be, and there is a purpose for us being single. I have always looked at my singleness as a negative consequence of my own bad choices. What if it is a part of the plan? What if I can stop focusing on what I need to do to stop being single and just embrace it as being exactly what the Lord has planned for me in this moment. What if I could begin living every moment that way? As if every moment is exactly the moment the Lord had planned. It might not be the moment I had planned, but it is exactly what the Lord had planned. How would that affect my choices and the way I behaved?

The best news that comes from all of this personal revelation is that I GET to be happy, and I get to do it even without finding a husband, and that is pretty cool.

I can list at least 10 things I love about this, can you?

This is my Noah. My adorable 18 month old nephew. Today I am at my sister's house for Sunday dinner. While she cooks I am working on a final paper for a personality theories class. While I was sitting at the kitchen table working on the computer Noah was busy getting in to my purse. He finds the keys, walks past me shirtless and with keys in hand. He waves at me and says "bye!". Then walks out the garage door and heads for the car. I am positive it doesn't even cross his mind that he is a baby and doesn't know how to drive.










Picture taken by Susan Carr Photography

This is my amazing cute sister Amy. She is six months pregnant and right after this picture was taken she walked with us across the Golden Gate bridge. I'm not worthy. Not only did she do that, but that morning she got up at 4:30 to make it to the airport to fly to San Jose, then we spent most of the morning walking around the city before we ended up at the bridge. Then after the bridge she made the 15 minute walk it took to get us to the restaurant in Sausalito. Again, I'm not worthy. Thanks Amy for making such a superwoman effort to be a part of my birthday. I love you!








Today is day 2 of WW. I feel like today was harder than yesterday. We had a team lunch for my birthday at Chipotle. Chipotle is one of my favorite places to eat. I usually only get half the meat and no cheese and sour cream or beans. Whithout these things it definitely makes my meal a lot healther. However it is still a whopping 18 points out of the 22 I am alotted for the day. Donna (my WW buddy at work) suggested I only eat half so I only used 9 of my points, then I could save the other half for dinner. But I just couldn't do it. Sure, half would have kept me satisfied. But I love the Barbacoa Burrito Bowl so much that I couldn't stop at half. My problem with food is this. I LOVE IT. It is an extreme emotional reaction I have every time I am eating something that tastes good to me. Even if I am full I don't want to stop because I want to keep tasting it. This is why I am an over eater. I get actual JOY from good tasting food, and I don't want that joy to end. I know this will be a long journey. One that will require me to retrain my brain how to eat. I know I am not the first and this is something that many people go through. I just hope I have the strength. Tonight I already have thoughts about bingeing and it's only day 2. Instead I sat down and had 1 cup of cheerios. With the milk it totals 3 points. I also ate an orange bell peper, 0 points. Because of lunch I will go over my points for the day by 5-10. Luckily we get 35 "cheat" points a week. I just wish I could get these thoughts out of my head about how much I want to eat, even though I am really not all that hungry.

I'm Hungry!

I started weight watchers today. It's 6:30 and I've eaten all but 2 of my points and I'm still pretty hungry. Good thing I can snack on some veggies and fruits and not lose any points. I am sure that I was a major over eater so I'm expecting I will go to bed somewhat hungry for at least a few days. I've never been able to lose weight yet I know SO many people who have done WW and it has worked long term for them. I am not the type of person who is very good at writing everything down or being hyper vigilant about noting what I eat so this is definitely going to be a challange. The good news is that in 2 weeks I start a Nutrition class for school and I will be required to keep a food journal for that class as well. Might as well get a head start right? I can't wait to update next week and tell you guys if I have lost weight or not!

I got to go home last week

For my 30th birthday I got to head home to northern California. I wish I could be independantly wealthy and have the ability to have a house in San Jose and Gilbert and enough money and time to travel as much as I want between the two. I was reminded of how much I love it there and how much I love my friends who have also become like family. Halfway through the week my awesome and amazing family came to CA to celebrate my birthday. I feel so lucky that they all made the trip for me!!

I pretty much ate my way through the bay area. Good thing I start Weight Watchers at work tomorrow. I got to hit up all my favorite food spots as well as try out a few new ones. Tuk Tuk thai is quickly becoming the traditional place to go after visiting Kevin at Pixar. Then on the evening of my birthday we went to a tiny little italian place in Sausalito called Cafe DiVino. It lived up to it's name and was divine. Then of course there was the obligitory Clam Chowder on the warf and hot fudge at Ghirardelli Square. I got my favorite cookie from Specialtys and introduced Amy to the amazingnessthat is Specialty's sandwiches. I ate my favorite veggie super burrito at Burrito Factory, my favorite wheat germ pancakes at Stacks, and had some amazing shrimp avacado rolls at a new found Japanese place in Carmel. My mouth is watering just thinking of all this stuff!!

One of my favorite parts of the trip was the night spent with these guys. Scooter races and jamming like we thought we were rock stars till 3 am in Emeryville made for an unforgetable night. I can't wait for Disneyland in November!!

Some things never change

An entry from my journal in 1990.

New years should come soon so I can make a resolution to start writing in my blog more.