New Crush

The honeymoon phase is over...does anyone agree this is the worst time ever? Because when you have those new crushes everything seems so intense and exciting. You think about eachother ever second of the day, you make every effort to see that person as much as you can, you email, you call, you facebook, you text, it's never enough! And then...phbhttttt...it's over. At least that's how it always how it is for me. Everything is white hot. You have these two really intense weeks and then he seems to just forget how excited he was about me and goes about his daily life like I wasn't even there at all.

Most of you are probably wondering where this came from and why I had not mentioned in the last few weeks that there was a potential guy in my life. This was for multiple reasons, the biggest one was that I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, he is not LDS and there were so many other reasons as to why it never could have been a long term thing so why even bring it up to friends and family when you know they will just get so excited over what will turn out to be nothing. So anyway, I knew this day was coming. I was prepared for it. I was even the one that put the brakes on. But man, it still sure is sad when it does happen. I miss the attention.

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I am considering a foray back into the world of online dating. It has been succesful for some, unsuccesful for some, and not that great for me. I'll try a different website this time and cross my fingers and hope for the best. I'm not really looking for an EC (eternal companion,) I am more just hoping to find something to take my mind off this impossible crush I have on someone who is SO not available and never will be. Wish me luck!

I got back on the Weight Watchers as of yesterday. I did pretty good over the holidays...I keep fluctuating between the same 2 lbs and I would like to get out of the 150's and in to the 140's! I think if I give myself a 6 month goal for the remaining 25 lbs it sounds attainable to me. It's easy for me to somewhat follow the plan and eat better, but once I start getting strict about it my appetite jumps up about 1,000 degrees. It's like once I have eaten my points for the day I suddenly feel like I am starving. Not sure how to get over that hump. Also, I do really well during the day at work, but the second I get home I just want to pig out on everything in sight.

Sustainability and other thoughts

You know those cold winter days when you just want to take a hot shower and let it run until all the hot water is gone? Well I guess today is not so cold, but it was in my apartment and I was just in the mood for a good ol' steaming hot shower. It was everything I hoped it would be, but then, just as the water was starting to run lukewarm, I remembered the book I have been reading about the collapse of major societies and the reasons behind them. The conclusion of the book is that it is always environmental. So I guess as I stood under the stream of scalding water for the last half hour I was being not so sustainable. I really hope my kids have hot water to shower with. It is one of life's many small pleasures.



This kid turned 2 yesterday. I love Noah for many reasons, but one of them is that he is just so "Noah".

Lookin Sexy!

You might think I'm not the type of girl to wear her nice work blouse paired with running pants and flip flops to the grocery store....but I am.

Isn't She SO cute!

She's my new favorite little girl and I can't get enough of her. The second I met her I instantly rethought my "no girls allowed" deal I thought I had with God when it came time for me to bear my own children. She is the most precious thing I think I have ever seen.



For Christmas we all went to my parents house in St George. Liz and Kayla fell asleep on the same chair. How precious! One of the best parts about Christmas was being all together as a family. We stayed in all weekend and played games, watched movies, and ATE our way through so much food. It was HEAVEN!



Noah got really in to setting up the dominoes and pushing them down. Don't they make a cute Father/Son team!





My other favorite part of Christmas was Isaak. He is now 4 1/2 and old enough to get SO excited about Christmas. He jumped and shouted over almost every single present. More than that, it was so fun to see Isaak warm up to all his aunts and uncles. One time over the weekend all the adults were playing games and Isaak was playing on his own. I overheard him walk up to my Uncle Jed (who Isaak has met maybe a few times) and he askes "how's your reading going Jed?" in such an adult manner. It was the cutest little conversation. Each night Isaak had to hug and kiss all the adults good night and wish them a "good christmas morning". There were 10 of us. It was adorable. The day after we arrived my dad took Isaak on a hike. He was running with his hands in his pockets and tripped and fell face first on to a rock. He showed up at home with a goose egg the size of a peanut M&M over his eye and his face all scraped up. Amy and I did all we could not to cry and brave Isaak hardly wimpered. In fact he was fine till he saw my initial reaction which I quickly had to quiet myself because it was worrying him. I kept asking him throughout the weekend if his face still hurt, he always said no. What a brave kid!!


So now it is back to the hustle and bustle of real life. Time to get working on my 2010 goals (I have a lot of them) and stop procrastinating things I keep putting off till "next year". I still have 26 more lbs to lose, I have an associates degree to complete, and an addiction I have set a goal to be 1 year free of in 2010. It's a little overwhelming when I look at the list, but I have learned that I feel better when I take things one day at a time.

Perspective

So lately I have been down in the dumps, feeling like everything was starting to get to me again. I have moments of clarity where everything is ok then I have moments of weakness where I can feel my peace slipping away. I feel grateful that these moments are so much fewer and far between than they used to be. Usually they are directly correlated with my spiritual progression of the moment, but many times they suprise me at the height of my spirituality. The hard part is when I get that way I have no desire to do the simple things that make me feel better. I have all the tools, but sometimes I just don't feel like using them. Then I happened upon the NieNie Dialogues. I first heard about Stephanie Nielsen from my friend Jennie Gibson and then today as i was was on AZ Central I came across a story about Stephanie. Her thoughts about her experiences were so real to me. She didn't remain upbeat or positive in the months following her crash...she wanted to die. Yet she found a way to become a wife and a mother again. It changed my perspective. I am thankful that I happened upon this blog for a few reasons.

First: I can't feel sorry for myself after reading her story. I have so much to be grateful for.

Second: While I may suffer emotional pain that prevents me from doing what I would like to do, I do not have physical limitations holding me back. I am supremely greatful for that.

Third: It made me realize that nothing is forever. Whether one is healing from the scars of a near fatal plane crash or the scars of addiction, the person that develops out of the scars is just as beautiful and healing CAN occur even if the person that emerges looks different than before. So in times when I feel like I am going to feel this way forever I will remember to come back and read this post.

On a side note: I got to go see Jen and Zach a week or so ago in Utah. I don't think a girl could have better friends than these two...and their baby Abbey...she is a miracle. They get to thank Heaven for her every day. They are proof that Heavenly Father has a plan. I can't wait to look back one day and say "oh, that was the plan. Hmm,well it all makes sense...now". Won't that be cool? That's what Abbey is for them and they deserve her. Anyway, my trip was perfect. We stayed in all (snowy) weekend and watched movies and ate junk food and stayed up till 2:30 AM crying and talking. It was love.

Bri is here!

I know it looks like I want to beat her up in this picture, but really I am so excited to have Brianne here for the weekend. Carleen and I have been working on her for a long time to convince her to move here. I hope one day it works!




Good news list:

lost 11.5 lbs so far
got new job in recruiting for University of Phoenix-dream job!
2 dates with AWESOME guys this week
did I mention Bri is here?
I talked to someone who REALLY understands
Noah gave me kisses (he is very selective with his affection)